[Breathless]

I am struggling with responding to your thread. When I read all that you wrote, my heart really went out to you, because I could hear my own bargaining, and excuses, when I too said those things to myself.

When I came out, many years ago, I met this woman. I fell head over heals in love with her, she too was my first. We spent crazy amounts of time together, I thought wow, how could I have been so lucky. She lived in California, and I in western Canada. She didnt look down on me for having children, which I assumed who the heck would want to be with a single mom of two young ones. After being together for about 6 months things started to change. She would anger so easily, and I would find myself trying to calm her down, and reassure her. She would accuse me of sleeping around, of having more than just a friendship with my ex husband, of fooling around at work with co workers in a sexual way, and the list goes on. She apologized over and over again, saying that it was the distance that was making her insecure. So she moved in with me, I sponsored her to move to Canada. It only got worse. I thought i was deserving of this, that in some way I made her feel this way and act this way, and if i would just shut my mouth and stop coaxing her that she wouldnt feel she had to get angry with me so much.
New Years eve 2001, I was working a double shift, 3-11 and then back in the morning for 7-3. When I came home, she was sitting at the computer, I could see that she was in a foul mood, and i just needed to try to get some sleep before going back to work in the am. I put on my pjs and climbed into bed. Few minutes later she walked in the room, and turned on the lights.. she had my son's meds in her hand, and commented that i shouldnt leave things like this laying around and proceeded to take the pills. I was angry, and i got out of bed and tried to take them from her. The next thing I knew I was pinned to the floor, she had fist fulls of my hair in her hands, she was telling me that I was worthless, that I was lucky that anyone loved me, and many many more horrible things. I couldnt get away from her, I was begging her to let me go. She was saying things like she and my ex husband had a talk.. and the truth was out, that I was a shitty wife, and that I was fat, ugly and a waste of skin. I told her with tears running down my face, that I couldnt live like this anymore, please just let me go, her words.. by morning you wont have to worry about that, wonder what your kids will think coming home to mom's blood all over these walls. I snapped. I started agreeing with her, telling her that she was right, she had always been right. She finally let go of my hair. We were then sitting on the floor, and she was still telling me how messed up i was, and that i was lucky to have her in my life.. I continued to agree with her, i went to stand up and she grabbed me by my hair again and back to the floor. I asked her if she was thirsty? She let go of my hair and stood and walked ahead of me, i turned and ran for the door, out to my car bare foot in the snow. She was right behind me.. Tried to start it, I was shaking so hard I had no coordination, got out of the drive way, and she was right behind me, she hit me twice with her car, trying to run me off the road, I just kept going, I pulled up to a friends house, jumped out of my still moving car and ran up the step and banged on the door. I was unrecognizable, they called the police.

The police laid attempted murder charges on her. She made a deal with the government, and was deported rather than have to face charges.

I cut all my hair off cause i couldn't even stand the feeling of brushing it.

Dancer, you are worth it! I can tell you for fact, that there are some really amazing butches out there who would rather rip their own hearts from their chest than ever lay a hand on you in anger. You teach people how to treat you, and the very moment that she got away with anything it made it the norm. It will happen again, trust me, it will if you let her back in your life. It took many years of councilling and therapy for me to deal with what she had done to me.

I googled my ex, out of morbid curiosity, she has since been charged and convicted of doing the same thing to someone else. Thankfully the State of California was not as lax as the Canadian government was.


Love yourself!