[sylvie]

So i've had a difficult ohhh 10-12 days or so..
But, the hard moments follow with a lesson and growth for me usually.
For that i am grateful.

i could feel myself disconnecting from my recovery, bit by bit.
Complete lack of motivation, and overwhelmed and completely exhausted..
But, the reason for that is because i set myself up to make that happen, continuously everyday..i have tools that i use daily (plan of eating, meetings, blogging, meditation, the list goes on..) Some days i am busier than others, my work shifts change each day.. And i have a tendency to pile tasks on myself and i am unrealistic about what kind of load i can handle..

When i can't handle the list of to-do's for the day, i take it out on myself.. That inner bully within resurfaces and suddenly i am creating all the excuses i need to abuse myself with food and behaviors - and it's a vicious circle.

Yesterday, i finally reconnected - and am slowly reeling myself back in.. SO hard to be honest with myself and admit that i set myself up like i do, but really i need to lose the supergirl cape and accept the fact that i'm human and can only take on so much each day..

An example:
i am a member of 6 email loops within Overeaters Anonymous, which send out writings each day sharing their experiences, and then send 3 questions .. So, 6 loops, and i fell behind for 12 days, = 72 emails of 3 questions each.. Yesterday was my day off, so i tasked myself (after doing housework, laundry, going to the gym, etc) to catch up and do those 72 emails and send them in... i started at 4pm.. By 5pm, i answered one email of 3 questions, because i'm longwinded and really dig deep when i am doing these things.. They're a great help in my recovery and learning about myself - but i was getting really overwhelmed and upset with myself that i would probably be up all night and *still* not catch up, that it would take days, and then i would be behind in *those* days too..

For the first time in my life, i made a decision that i could *not* do it, and i deleted all the emails, knowing i could not catch up, and made the decision to leave a couple of the unnecessary loops as well, and keep the important few.. So today, i start new, and i am accepting the fact that i was being unrealistic with myself and completely setting myself up to fail.. Doing so, would have allowed me to beat myself up with food & behaviors, and i simply cant move forward in my recovery that way.. If i can't do the questions, it's not the end of the world.. i never *have* to do the questions, i just expect myself to because i look forward to the growth and learning about myself and that is a great thing, but if i keep doing this i'm really not allowing myself that room to grow and learn.. And i'm holding myself back instead..

my Workbook, i'm still on Step One.. i carry it with me everywhere along with my 12x12 book.. That way, if i get spare moments at work, home or whereever i am, i can work in it.. But, it's been in my little bag for over 2 weeks, untouched.. i have been procrastinating the things that i really need to do to help me move forward,and i cling to the stuff that holds me back..

So, hard lesson & realization for me yesterday..
Today, i woke up with a few emails, don't work until 4pm..
So i am setting a realistic goal, of completing one question in that workbook, reading my literature, and completing today's questions and sending them in..

One step at a time, WHEN i have time..
And being more mindful of what i can handle each day, so i'm not setting myself up..
And not going to be hard on myself for 39 years of obsessing, behaviors and setting myself up - it's about letting go & moving forward..i will have stumbles, this i know.. but, that means more growth ahead.