[Viola]

This is a long long message... Not really knowing how to be breif...

Firedance this is me thinking about your message more ok, so this isn't me attacking you in any way, I'm just analyzing that's all...

I want to add to this thought of dance, as believe it or not, after I wrote the other message, I kept saying to myself no that wasn't all of it...

It was as if I left out some things ok...

Firedance you got me on a roll here by your message, um, I feel for you going through this however as I read what you wrote which is basically about timing...

Firedance you expected to be seen, well I was thinking after I wrote my other message, actually as you expect, I'm feeling that that then is more of an exchange as well...

To expect anything from strangers is an exchange...

According to the scene that you have place, which is I'll put me in the scene ok...

Me femme, sitting alone and near at another table are a few butches sitting at a table...

First of all, I wouldn't expect anything at all... Nor have any plans, for isn't plans an exchange as well?

Also about timing who shall approach who and when, is it Femme's first or Butches first

Um, I'm into chess ok, so actually as I have difficulties with social there's a flip side of me, where I'm focus on interests, and boldly I might as the butches sitting at their table, ask if any of you play chess...

If whom ever said yes, I would say would you like to play chess later, um, and perhaps get a chess game going at a later day, and its just chess...

I mean the idea of this instant date and instant me, instantly being in a set of rules and an instant going out: the problem I have is, if it goes to fast, I can't digest analyze each step, which this creates not of rules but creates unique self with a unique situation.

So now lets say I said nothing to the butches at the other table, but I kept quiet, would I expect them to approach me, no,

would I expect to be seen no...

so what I gather from your message firedance is this dance between strangers, you be seen they approach,

so what were you feeling then when the butches wanted you to approach;

maybe you identify important in being seen and approach being taken from you, and you're going through an identification crisis.

Actually if I were sitting there quiet and the few butches at their table announce to me that I should approach them, I wouldn't approach them at all, cause how dare anyone tell me how to be with strangers.

I don't abide to any rules which includes any Butch Femme rules and so I don't even know all these rules actually so actually maybe or is it a culture...

Like ok if I visit China and I went to a small rice farm to stay for a month, would I cross rules with out knowing and why is this?

Cause I'll not know them, but I'm still me right?

Well cause I hadn't been in so call social Butch Femme areas offline, I'm not knowing the culture, so actually then I really don't have any expectations of any...

and maybe I be like this same if I stay at the rice farm, crossing rules and not even knowing,

By how I look, I really don't look of anything also, so if there's a look of a femme where a butch can tell from miles and miles away that there's a femme who's attracted toward butches, and you've figure how to do this and so then displeased when the butches hadn't approach; as if rules of expectations

or if there's a place where butches and femmes meets publicly and they all sit around, and like the farm in China there's a set of rules: then there is this social dance of exchange.

And I'm starting to realize something here as I'd been thinking about this?

its the exchange social I have difficulties with with all people,

every time I leave my home its so difficult for me... but what's difficult is the exchanges...

so if I have difficulties in life already, how could I even step up to another level and be looking for a date and sit in a room and this exchange of timing will appear and I'll know already what my part is? I will be a mess.

In living life I get approach by men.

What it actually feels like is I'm being approach by a sells person...

and the male sells person won't lay off...

I'm warn out, drain, by a sells person male, its as if all my energy is drain from me and I'm a dead battery...

I fear could the same happen if I be around butches, would my energy level will be drain,

this is the unique me though, its energy and how will my energy level rise and how will my energy level be drain...

well due to my experience being drain energy by men approaching me in life, I question it all,

this idea of strangers approaching and I'm wondering if two things...

Perhaps what my complaints are about men and fearing this from butches will I have the same draining effect energy due to a sells approach;

what if some people get a high off the sales approach and their energy rises while others gets drain,

yet in social its expected to go through this weather being approach or waiting to be approach (I'm realizing both areas isn't me, social isn't me, its all draining, meaning would I be drain there where you were awaiting to be seen...)

as I'm long winded here, writing... I guess I'm learning and I'm actually learning when reading your message and I thought it over more, and will continue thinking this more...

social exchange rules what about energy levels...

I keep saying I hate dating and I really never want to date; what is that really saying then...

however in your case you want to be seen and approach...

you want an exchange to be expected, I've notice in your message any other dynamic that you speak your drain for needing to explain yourself and you feel relax at the idea that there's no explaining when it comes to you and butches...

so you got me thinking, is it that in exchange in social that drains me does the opposite for you - you feed on the being seen in your expecting social exchange and this is your feeding energy risen in hoping to gain from as before many times you've drank from a social exchange dance, so then hoping to get again a repeat?

this can be understandable as you gain from the energy being charged in you,

but to expect is where I'm wondering about. What would happen if there's no expectations?

I read on-line, about there's more then one language of love...

To reach to the level of love from the beginning of a stranger and if there's a set of rules to abide by, like in your case I hear butches must approach first.

maybe these butches were fed up about exchanges rules.

so if there's a rules of exchange for real in the Butch Femme social, I'm naive,

I sense you know the social exchange and have your drawn toward a type of social exchange and these butches attack what you're drawn to of social exchange.

I avoid social exchanges of all kinds, and actually resent social exchanges,

I'll be thinking more on this;

still I think the ideal way what I read some where here on BFP is friends first then lover...

Something about friendship is appealing for me cause its being self with out any social exchange expectation dance...