[CherylNYC]

My late partner's family told me I was their family. That is, I was their family right up until the accident in 2003 that took her life. Sharon's family, led by her mother, (the Matriarch of the clan), turned on me so quickly that my head spun. If you've never had to deal with the family of your suddenly dead partner, (not a legal spouse), you should consider yourself lucky.

While their instant hostility, attempts to shut me out of the funeral, as well as their efforts to erase me from Sharon's history were a series of devestating betrayals, the whole mess was also an extremely edifying experience. I asked Sharon's mother point blank why she was doing this. She didn't answer me directly, but she did turn to the rest of the assembled family and said, "Well, they weren't really married. Not really... Well, they weren't!!"

Oh.

Fast forward to 2008 when I had to plan the funeral of my next girlfriend. Caren's family had never valued or respected her. They didn't choose to pay for any of the expenses related to her death, but they were happy to hear about her forgotten insurance policy. No, they didn't offer to pay for any of Caren's expenses out of the policy to which I was not entitled.

Marraige equality would do more in one single pen stroke to combat poverty amongst gay seniors, (surviving partners are currently denied social security benefits of the deceased), gain immigration equality for bi-national couples, secure the rights of children in adoptive and foster care situations, and to reduce violence against lgbt youth as well as adults, than a 100% increase in funding for all the peace and social justice programs put together. And it would do it instantly.

Marraige has meant many things to many cultures over the years, but there is no culture for which recognition of same hasn't been the basis of a great deal of social structure. There's a certain amount of cultural myopia and an annoying level of privilege at play when anyone suggests that this particular battle isn't really important.