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TaylorMade · 06-02-2012, 04:02 PM

I know what I want...I know what needs to be done..But its out of reach..
I made phone calls and emails and nothing..Mind you this search has been off and on for a year...
Was always taught that if there is red flags and stop signs there's a reason..
Don't know..My gf just says breath boo and don't worry about anything..
Like for instance..I have to have a job to afford a place there in NY and i have to have a roof over my head to survive and work..Just want things to go right..Want to be happy with me for once in my life..
The other night for the first time in a very long time I stood there with my shirt off in front of the mirror and didn't look down cause well ..sighs cant do it, but thought..this is the man that my gf loves and wants..tellin myself don't give up Taylor..But with each red flag with each being told no I wonder..
I have to walk around where I live like nothing is wrong, with a fake smile, cause know body understands..or just wouldn't..Someone did say I maybe just to old for all this..and not healthy enough..But I am not a monster with 3 heads..I am human, and I hurt and feel and ache inside like anyone else does..
I am trying..I really am trying to just breath..
Atleast when I was takin the pills that were Ts and they were few and far between I felt human...I felt like the man I am inside..I saw lil changes..I had hope..But medicating myself, and no Dr help was NOT safe for me.
At night as I lay in bed, say prayers for my kids, I think about my Angel (gf), things I want to do, places I want to see, think about getting help..think about being physically transformed into the man I am in my soul..to be accepted, loved, hell even liked, A job, a home, my kids with me, my lady by my side when she can..Then I think this isn't working, being told no I cant help, red flags, maybe I am meant to stay here..But I hate these damn lumps on my chest and just want them to go away.. dammit...
I am trying not to be emotional, or cry...signs of weakness and as some say..Grow a pair and knock it off and get over it..sighs..

06-02-2012, 04:02 PM	#1
TaylorMade Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Taylor Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Taken Join Date: May 2012 Location: Indiana Posts: 8 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 25 Thanked 42 Times in 8 Posts Rep Power: 0	Out of reach... I know what I want...I know what needs to be done..But its out of reach.. I made phone calls and emails and nothing..Mind you this search has been off and on for a year... Was always taught that if there is red flags and stop signs there's a reason.. Don't know..My gf just says breath boo and don't worry about anything.. Like for instance..I have to have a job to afford a place there in NY and i have to have a roof over my head to survive and work..Just want things to go right..Want to be happy with me for once in my life.. The other night for the first time in a very long time I stood there with my shirt off in front of the mirror and didn't look down cause well ..sighs cant do it, but thought..this is the man that my gf loves and wants..tellin myself don't give up Taylor..But with each red flag with each being told no I wonder.. I have to walk around where I live like nothing is wrong, with a fake smile, cause know body understands..or just wouldn't..Someone did say I maybe just to old for all this..and not healthy enough..But I am not a monster with 3 heads..I am human, and I hurt and feel and ache inside like anyone else does.. I am trying..I really am trying to just breath.. Atleast when I was takin the pills that were Ts and they were few and far between I felt human...I felt like the man I am inside..I saw lil changes..I had hope..But medicating myself, and no Dr help was NOT safe for me. At night as I lay in bed, say prayers for my kids, I think about my Angel (gf), things I want to do, places I want to see, think about getting help..think about being physically transformed into the man I am in my soul..to be accepted, loved, hell even liked, A job, a home, my kids with me, my lady by my side when she can..Then I think this isn't working, being told no I cant help, red flags, maybe I am meant to stay here..But I hate these damn lumps on my chest and just want them to go away.. dammit... I am trying not to be emotional, or cry...signs of weakness and as some say..Grow a pair and knock it off and get over it..sighs.. __________________ "Its not what they call you, its what you answer to"