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Medusa · 06-07-2012, 10:17 PM

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

It depends. I have several local friends that I see about once a month but I am also good friends with several people I work with who I see every day. Most of my dearest friends live in other states so I see them once or twice a year.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Every day. I often wake up to at least 1 or 2 Facebook messages or emails and talk on the phone with 3 of my really good friends almost daily. Sometimes we'll go for a week or even two without talking on the phone but it often depends on the ebb and flow of life. I text a lot as well. I don't make it a point to talk to people every day but it often happens organically.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

Not for me since I don't have any kids but it could be if I thought the friend who did have kids wanted to bring her kids to our "girls day out" due to lack of childcare. I might offer to pay for childcare in that instance.

4) Are finances a consideration?

Yes, but we don't start the conversation with "how much dough do you have". I am very frank with my friends about money as they are with me so we sometimes do things that don't cost anything if we're both broke and we sometimes will go all out on something extravagant. I always try to be conscious of knowing the situations of my friends finances so that I dont suggest that we go to Las Vegas if I know they're struggling.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

In the background it is. Like, I am not going to ask a friend who I know has trouble walking long distances to go hiking or something. Even for me, I am not going to be going somewhere that requires me to climb 40 flights of stairs in order to do the activity. (At least not without great pain)

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Yes. My work schedule is CRAZY. Like, I worked 13 hours today and that can happen almost any time and I often end up working on the weekends. My local friends know that I generally do not plan to do things on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays because my schedule is stupid those days. I also generally do not go out on week nights unless it is a quick dinner in town.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

It does in the way that I have a hard boundary around last minute-type stuff being thrown in my lap unless it's completely unavoidable. Don't get me wrong, the occasional "Hey, when you get off at 5:00pm do you want to go for drinks?" is cool as shit but calling me at 9 o'clock on a Friday night and telling me that you need me to drive you to the airport at 5am because you just "assume" I have nothing to do or didn't plan your shit out will make me growl.

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

The vast majority of my very close friendships are with Butches and Femmes and Transpeople. I do believe as well that we are all capable of having friends of varying gender presentations!

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

I am currently friends with a couple of people that my partner doesn't care for. We don't require of one another that we agree on the autonomous friendships of one another and I like it that way. The only thing that would change that is if the friend in question is disrespectful of my partner or relationship. At that point, they'd have to go.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I had someone stop speaking to me over a perceived slight, something that they perceived me as having intentionally done to them to hurt their feelings. They were going through a hard time in their life and were kinda lashing out at me in a really unfair way over something ridiculous that I really had nothing to do with. I knew in the big picture that was much more about them than it was about me but it hurt. It was really frustrating because they were super unreasonable and childish during that scenario and seemed to completely disregard that I had never once been disloyal to them, had anything but the best intentions for them, or loved them deeply. It hurt like hell.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I had to let someone go for violating my personal boundaries and placing unreal expectations on me. I have the general expectation that my friends are going to manage their own lives and take personal responsibility for themselves and I had to cut a person off who expected me to be a surrogate wife and mother to them. They often placed crazy expectations on me about what I was "supposed" to be doing and then would shame me for daring to live a life that was not centered around their needs. I loved that person for a long time but had to let go with love and be thankful for the good parts and let the rest go.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

If it were someone like June and I thought she was on Heroin, I would fly up to Oregon and drive her ass to rehab myself and then I would kick Kat's ass for letting it go on.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I would listen and make suggestions and try to encourage them to make healthy choices. And I would tell them my door was open when they were ready to leave. I've been there. That decision has to happen in the heart.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

I am so madly in love with my partner it would never happen but in a dreamland, I would want to tell Jackhammer and we would talk about it between us so that we could address the relationship issue that was causing it instead of addressing the residual attraction. And then I would take some space from the partnered friend.

Years ago, that was Jackhammer and I. We were both living with other people in dead relationships and loved each other in a mutually-silenced way that we never spoke of for 6 years. Eventually, we had to have that discussion and the rest is history.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

Wouldn't happen at this juncture.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

Heck no, we've all got our stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, if she liked to eat boogers I would definitely tell her about herself.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a friend who was kinda stuck in a really self-loathing, stunted place. I was doing a lot of work on myself and growing by leaps and bounds and that was a journey she could not take with me.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

My oldest friend is someone I have known since Junior High (25 years).
We email weekly, talk on the phone, and see each other about once a year (she's about 3 hours from here)

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

Nope. My exes tend to do really hateful shit during the breakups so I gotta keep my distance.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

Consenting adults should be able to do what they want.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I don't expect my friends to fuck me.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I had a friend who was in a personal crisis for almost a year and was on the phone with her every single night for like 2 hours trying to help her get through her shit. I bent over backwards to make her feel included in my friendship circles and gave her TONS of my personal time and basically made her part of the family.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

I asked some key people to help me make this website happen and they showed up for the job and are still here.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Someone with shitty boundaries and no personal responsibility. Liars, theives, and con artists also have to fucking go. Messy behavior in people with shitty black hearts who are mean as hell and who want to remain exactly where they are in their life (don't want to do better)

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Bossyness. Brattyness. Messy behavior in people with good hearts who want to grow.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? NOT

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? NOT

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? NOT

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? NOT

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? NOT

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? NOT

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Dont have any

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? I don't have any.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.: I'm not single.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors: I love any of this shit!

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater: YES!

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else: I like games!

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV: I don't like to watch sports but will attend them

6) Participating in team sports : Volleyball or baseball please!

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.): I'm all over that shit.

8) Shopping: YES

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants: Love it.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals: All of it!

11) Other

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

It's pretty comprehensive!

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Nope!

06-07-2012, 10:17 PM	#16
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,690 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 21474861	Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability 1) How often do you see your friends in person? It depends. I have several local friends that I see about once a month but I am also good friends with several people I work with who I see every day. Most of my dearest friends live in other states so I see them once or twice a year. 2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? Every day. I often wake up to at least 1 or 2 Facebook messages or emails and talk on the phone with 3 of my really good friends almost daily. Sometimes we'll go for a week or even two without talking on the phone but it often depends on the ebb and flow of life. I text a lot as well. I don't make it a point to talk to people every day but it often happens organically. 3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? Not for me since I don't have any kids but it could be if I thought the friend who did have kids wanted to bring her kids to our "girls day out" due to lack of childcare. I might offer to pay for childcare in that instance. 4) Are finances a consideration? Yes, but we don't start the conversation with "how much dough do you have". I am very frank with my friends about money as they are with me so we sometimes do things that don't cost anything if we're both broke and we sometimes will go all out on something extravagant. I always try to be conscious of knowing the situations of my friends finances so that I dont suggest that we go to Las Vegas if I know they're struggling. 5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? In the background it is. Like, I am not going to ask a friend who I know has trouble walking long distances to go hiking or something. Even for me, I am not going to be going somewhere that requires me to climb 40 flights of stairs in order to do the activity. (At least not without great pain) 6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? Yes. My work schedule is CRAZY. Like, I worked 13 hours today and that can happen almost any time and I often end up working on the weekends. My local friends know that I generally do not plan to do things on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays because my schedule is stupid those days. I also generally do not go out on week nights unless it is a quick dinner in town. 7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? It does in the way that I have a hard boundary around last minute-type stuff being thrown in my lap unless it's completely unavoidable. Don't get me wrong, the occasional "Hey, when you get off at 5:00pm do you want to go for drinks?" is cool as shit but calling me at 9 o'clock on a Friday night and telling me that you need me to drive you to the airport at 5am because you just "assume" I have nothing to do or didn't plan your shit out will make me growl. Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values 1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? The vast majority of my very close friendships are with Butches and Femmes and Transpeople. I do believe as well that we are all capable of having friends of varying gender presentations! 2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I am currently friends with a couple of people that my partner doesn't care for. We don't require of one another that we agree on the autonomous friendships of one another and I like it that way. The only thing that would change that is if the friend in question is disrespectful of my partner or relationship. At that point, they'd have to go. 3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. I had someone stop speaking to me over a perceived slight, something that they perceived me as having intentionally done to them to hurt their feelings. They were going through a hard time in their life and were kinda lashing out at me in a really unfair way over something ridiculous that I really had nothing to do with. I knew in the big picture that was much more about them than it was about me but it hurt. It was really frustrating because they were super unreasonable and childish during that scenario and seemed to completely disregard that I had never once been disloyal to them, had anything but the best intentions for them, or loved them deeply. It hurt like hell. 4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. I had to let someone go for violating my personal boundaries and placing unreal expectations on me. I have the general expectation that my friends are going to manage their own lives and take personal responsibility for themselves and I had to cut a person off who expected me to be a surrogate wife and mother to them. They often placed crazy expectations on me about what I was "supposed" to be doing and then would shame me for daring to live a life that was not centered around their needs. I loved that person for a long time but had to let go with love and be thankful for the good parts and let the rest go. 5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? If it were someone like June and I thought she was on Heroin, I would fly up to Oregon and drive her ass to rehab myself and then I would kick Kat's ass for letting it go on. 6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? I would listen and make suggestions and try to encourage them to make healthy choices. And I would tell them my door was open when they were ready to leave. I've been there. That decision has to happen in the heart. 7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? I am so madly in love with my partner it would never happen but in a dreamland, I would want to tell Jackhammer and we would talk about it between us so that we could address the relationship issue that was causing it instead of addressing the residual attraction. And then I would take some space from the partnered friend. Years ago, that was Jackhammer and I. We were both living with other people in dead relationships and loved each other in a mutually-silenced way that we never spoke of for 6 years. Eventually, we had to have that discussion and the rest is history. 8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? Wouldn't happen at this juncture. 9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? Heck no, we've all got our stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, if she liked to eat boogers I would definitely tell her about herself. 10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. I had a friend who was kinda stuck in a really self-loathing, stunted place. I was doing a lot of work on myself and growing by leaps and bounds and that was a journey she could not take with me. 11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? My oldest friend is someone I have known since Junior High (25 years). We email weekly, talk on the phone, and see each other about once a year (she's about 3 hours from here) 12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? Nope. My exes tend to do really hateful shit during the breakups so I gotta keep my distance. 13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? Consenting adults should be able to do what they want. 14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? I don't expect my friends to fuck me. 15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. I had a friend who was in a personal crisis for almost a year and was on the phone with her every single night for like 2 hours trying to help her get through her shit. I bent over backwards to make her feel included in my friendship circles and gave her TONS of my personal time and basically made her part of the family. 16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. I asked some key people to help me make this website happen and they showed up for the job and are still here. 17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? Someone with shitty boundaries and no personal responsibility. Liars, theives, and con artists also have to fucking go. Messy behavior in people with shitty black hearts who are mean as hell and who want to remain exactly where they are in their life (don't want to do better) 18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? Bossyness. Brattyness. Messy behavior in people with good hearts who want to grow. Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that: 1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? NOT 2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? NOT 3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? NOT 4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? NOT 5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? NOT 6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? NOT 7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Dont have any 8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? I don't have any. Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you? 1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.: I'm not single. 2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors: I love any of this shit! 3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater: YES! 4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else: I like games! 5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV: I don't like to watch sports but will attend them 6) Participating in team sports : Volleyball or baseball please! 7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.): I'm all over that shit. 8) Shopping: YES 9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants: Love it. 10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals: All of it! 11) Other Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? It's pretty comprehensive! BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? Nope! __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch