[thedivahrrrself]

YSK I don't know how I'm supposed to act or feel right now. I'm a mixed up bundle of emotions, and I'm going to make a few missteps along this way.

YSK I've never been good at grieving. I am much better at fixing things and doing things. So that's what I focus on, what I can do to try to make things better for others who are hurting right now, and I hope maybe by easing some of their pain, it will diminish my own.

When my father died, everyone was a wreck, so I made all the phone calls, all the arrangements. It was a month before I cried. I just kept staying so busy that I couldn't. Every time someone close to me dies, I have this urge. Because I don't know what else to do but to DO something.

YSK, you fellow YSK'ers who have my number, that I appreciate your phone calls. I'm sorry I'm not much for conversation, and I'm sorry I can't just open up and spill out my emotions. I know it would probably make me feel better, but I don't know how to talk about these things. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate you trying, and I am grateful that you are there. I'm writing because it's easier for me than talking, so here's an update on my progress:

YSK that in the 7 stages of grief, I hit stage 2 (guilt & pain) first, then stage 1 (denial & shock). It would be like me to do things out of order! Now it seems I am on to stage 3 (anger & bargaining), because I'm really pissed off today! I feel this pent-up rage, and I keep trying to point it at different people. I hope this stage passes quickly. The book (ok, website) says I can do permanent damage to my relationships in this stage and that I should watch myself.

I wish I were a boxer or a fighter or that I could swing a hammer at something, but all I know how to do is sing. Where is the angry grief song that I can sing? Where is the why-am-I-so-fucking-sad song?

YSK this is ridiculously rambly. Thanks for listening, friends.