Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post - Bravehearts: FTMs who cannot or choose not to medically transition

alexri · 07-16-2012, 07:36 PM

I really appreciate this thread. I have always known I was different. As a child, I used to sneak downstairs after dark, light candles in the garage, make an altar, and pray to god that I be turned into a boy. I would fantasize about sex but the "man" always had no head. Later I realized it was me. Coming out as a lesbian was part of the process but it took me years later to understand I'm really a trans/thirdgender person. I didn't know about this stuff growing up (diehard catholic family) and even now the trans part of my life is still not revealed to all because so many just don't understand it.

My spirit is male. My personality, my attitude, my inner essence, it's all male. I was a tomboy that played with trucks and legos. I was always the dad when we played house. I've been buying and wearing men's clothes for 20 years. It's always been there. I just never had a word for it. And now that I embrace it more, it flows more freely from me. It's always been natural, comfortable, right.

But I am in a female body. I find comfort from the personal believe that transgenderism happens through reincarnation. It's my belief that our gender is part of that inner spirit that also contains our thoughts, personalities, talents, intelligence, etc., and as it travels from life to life, sometimes it changes and becomes more fluid, and sometimes it reinforces or strengthens the maleness/femaleness. And sometimes that dominantly male spirit drops into a female physical body. For some people it's such an uncomfortable experience that they have to change; for others it's bearable.

I don't want to physically transition because I don't want to altar the person I am physically. I don't want to risk what hormones can do to my personal health. I do not want to risk the loss of sexual function by changing or removing organs/breasts. I enjoy when a female partner pleasures my body, even though they are female organs, because I know it feels good. And the picture in my mind of what is happening may be very different from what is really happening (ex in my mind during oral, I may be fantasizing that I am getting a blow job). There are times where I am frustrated that I cannot be as muscular as I'd like to be, and that I have womanly curves, and I will forever be in sports bras, which compress the breasts pretty well. People will say that this makes me not really trans and instead just butch. But when I slap on those jeans and dockers, button down my shirt, run a comb through my short, wet hair, and hold a door open for a lady, I know who I am.

07-16-2012, 07:36 PM	#89
alexri Member How Do You Identify?: - Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: - Posts: 549 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,209 Thanked 2,799 Times in 468 Posts Rep Power: 21474848	I really appreciate this thread. I have always known I was different. As a child, I used to sneak downstairs after dark, light candles in the garage, make an altar, and pray to god that I be turned into a boy. I would fantasize about sex but the "man" always had no head. Later I realized it was me. Coming out as a lesbian was part of the process but it took me years later to understand I'm really a trans/thirdgender person. I didn't know about this stuff growing up (diehard catholic family) and even now the trans part of my life is still not revealed to all because so many just don't understand it. My spirit is male. My personality, my attitude, my inner essence, it's all male. I was a tomboy that played with trucks and legos. I was always the dad when we played house. I've been buying and wearing men's clothes for 20 years. It's always been there. I just never had a word for it. And now that I embrace it more, it flows more freely from me. It's always been natural, comfortable, right. But I am in a female body. I find comfort from the personal believe that transgenderism happens through reincarnation. It's my belief that our gender is part of that inner spirit that also contains our thoughts, personalities, talents, intelligence, etc., and as it travels from life to life, sometimes it changes and becomes more fluid, and sometimes it reinforces or strengthens the maleness/femaleness. And sometimes that dominantly male spirit drops into a female physical body. For some people it's such an uncomfortable experience that they have to change; for others it's bearable. I don't want to physically transition because I don't want to altar the person I am physically. I don't want to risk what hormones can do to my personal health. I do not want to risk the loss of sexual function by changing or removing organs/breasts. I enjoy when a female partner pleasures my body, even though they are female organs, because I know it feels good. And the picture in my mind of what is happening may be very different from what is really happening (ex in my mind during oral, I may be fantasizing that I am getting a blow job). There are times where I am frustrated that I cannot be as muscular as I'd like to be, and that I have womanly curves, and I will forever be in sports bras, which compress the breasts pretty well. People will say that this makes me not really trans and instead just butch. But when I slap on those jeans and dockers, button down my shirt, run a comb through my short, wet hair, and hold a door open for a lady, I know who I am.