I've been recently told that my post below was disrespectful and a gross violation of privacy. That was never my intent at all. (I rarely share online about who I date and when I'm dating, to protect their privacy and to not come over as immature and childishly infatuated.)
My intent was to describe the beautiful connection and chemistry I shared with someone and why I miss it.
It was also my way of saying that being differently abled physically now, is preventing me from enjoying certain things/positions with a partner. I feel my physical health has robbed me of certain enjoyments... it's very hard to adjust to.
I am also missing the mental space I had to be in to enjoy sex with any kind of penetration involved. Several years ago, I could never get to "that space" and penetration would trigger me into awful memories. Penetration with cock of any kind would send me into a very dark place filled with despair and ugly feelings about myself...then add to these feelings with my naive confusion of sex with a female who used cock, I had much inner turmoil for a long time.
When I was with the partner described in the post below, it initially came natural to be totally connected to that mind space and our enjoyment of each other. I felt ALIVE for the first time ever! Not because of cock penetration, but because of the chemistry and connection. For over a year, I could "get there" to that mental space...then I lost that ability and developed a mind block... which is (my feeling and opinion) a reason why we didn't work out and why they no longer found me desirable. I have serious questions about that - having the mental place/mind fuck then loosing it and struggling to get it back - that I want to pose in open forum... but I can't. I miss being open and finding answers. I miss being open and free about sexuality and being able to explore what makes me an ALIVE and vibrant woman. I miss feeling unashamed about enjoying and exploring my sexuality, what turns me on and who I'm attracted to. I miss being "out of the closet" and permitted to be openly proud of who I am and proud of my gender and sexuality. Growing up like I did, I was always ashamed of these things and women where "made to feel sinful and disgusting" for enjoying themselves... then becoming a victim of many acts of violence, I lived ashamed of myself for years and years.... for a while, I felt unashamed and free... now I'm feeling forced back into a box/closet for several reasons, one being to protect those that don't share my feelings.
Instead, I will refrain so I can prevent violating someone's privacy or their personal beliefs about sexuality. I sincerely did not mean to offend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet
Having that chemistry ...that spark... the wildly intense feeling of desire that consumes my thoughts of how much I want to please them in every way... that feeling of "I can't wait till they get home "...the excitement and tenderness when they reached over to hold my hand... that twinge of hope at eventually becoming a sincere, recognized member of their family as their accepted and recognized partner ....chemistry so intense that I would melt at the sound of their voice dropping even deeper when they were seducing me... I miss the incredibly passionate, "I WANT YOU, I NEED YOU..DAMN YOUR HOT!!" look on their face that very first moment while on top that I switched positions so they could watch and they could lay back and enjoy while still being in control, at that moment how their grip on my hips and thighs grasped harder telling me I hit my mark and they wanted more, realizing that was the first moment they had ever felt pleasure that intensely, striking me to "torture them with pleasure" for as long as I could hold out, I miss doing that for them and because it was ALL FOR them with the intent to totally and fully pleasure and give to them (thank goodness I was that flexible then)... I miss how they held me after that, arms wrapped tightly around me, face buried in my neck or under my chin, cooing softly of how much they enjoyed me... I miss discovering new things, "practicing " and exploring (growing together over months of discovery) ....I miss submitting to them all I am, and them later telling me "you're in control now"... I miss tenderness and connection ...
I miss the chemistry I had never felt before them and how alive I felt... how damn good it felt to be a Giver and receiver... too bad all that was thrown away because we didn't understand each other.
I miss all that because I know I will never feel that intensity again .. I am dedicated to shutting myself off completely so I never again.....feel that chemistry or that twinge of hope at becoming accepted by their family as an acknowledged partner and the openness of that acknowledgment.
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