[imperfect_cupcake]

daktari, I've lived in canada and did long distance to the states and I've also lived for many years in the UK - the one thing I learned in the UK is that a) a three hour train ride ain't long distance in my brain. You can still visit each other on weekends. b) there is no way in hell I ever want to do long distance ever again. I'm moving back home in a month, back to the big space and frankly, I think there's enough people within a 100 mile radius that I can find someone I can get along with just fine (because luckily, that includes vancouver, victoria and seattle - many people live in small towns in the middle of buttfuck no where and thus don't have a choice) and I don't want to get to know anyone over the internet anymore. I've been spoiled in the UK by being able to do so.
And now that Plenty of Fish and OKCupid are now widely used in BC I can actually find my kinda dykes now much easier and head out for a coffee to talk instead of blathering on line - though I have to say that outside of London in Southern England, getting people to meet up for a fucking cup of coffee to get to know each other takes about a month of talking on line because people are afraid of "strangers"... yet they'll fuck you the same night they first meet you if it happens in a bar instead of the internet. That does irritate the hell out of me.

But what have I learned? too much for this box.

but the last two relationships I have learned:

marriage gaurentees nothing. People can still walk out without wanting to try. Marraige is a big deal to me, I thought it meant people would stay and work things out. I realise that at the core, really, there is no security. I'm coming to grips with that and what that means and how I should integrate that information now.

It made me start giving my time to studying zen, and although I'm athiest, it has given me a lot of relief from thought patterns and emotional self-torture.

I have learned I care take too much, that it wrecks my relationships and I need to get some help for that. I've arranged to see my old therapist when I get home. To address it.

I've learned I need to be much more forward and solid with my boundaries. I'm a sex worker (legal where I am, and quite a lot safer as a result because I can screen my clients) and the one thing that this job has taught me, more than years of therapy or relationships is how to say NO. absolutely not, don't care, suck it up, end of. I know my limits now. My relationships showed me my boundaries were too soft (see care taking reference) and how that damages things. My job showed me that actually there is greater safety and way less drama with strong boundaries. For everyone.

zen has been teaching me to let go and "fuck it" within the problems I've had in relationships... teaching me how to actually apply solutions to what I've learned in relationships.

I can let go of people and situations now. I just got semi-dumped this morning and after a period of two hours where I was livid, I just sent back a text saying "no worries, no need to discuss it, no drama on my side, just hope you are ok. we'll talk next time we see each other" cause I've stopped caring and stabbing myself with shitty emotions and anxiety.