[deb0670]

I have read a few posts in this forum, and, finally decided to try to share my story..
I have always had a very hard time feeling or thinking of myself as a Femme.. even tho that is what i truly wanted to be..
I was born 10 lbs 7 oz. and was the baby and only girl out of 3 kids. My brothers are 2 and 3 yrs older than me. I was not one of the spoiled lil girls that a lot of people know about, i did without a lot of things that my brothers were privileged to get.. My oldest brother always did Karate, my other brother was in Football, but when it got time for me to join dance or gymnastics, there never was enough money. I grew up watching my mom get a new dress every week, while us kids got new school clothes from K-Mart, once a year.
Due to my size,( i was skinny from ages 1-5 and then again between 15 and 16) but the majority of my life i was heavy set), i never got to have the pretty lil dresses or skirts like my mom did.. most of the time i had to wear my brothers hand me downs. I would see the other girls at school wearing the latest fashions and trend setters, while i was inwardly drooling over them, i was outwardly shunned and cast away, never made to feel "pretty".
I had a few dresses for church, but i was told that if i wore them i could not go out and play or wrestle with my brothers, but sit like a lady, and that got boring.
I was raised in a strict Pentecostal home, where they honestly believe that homosexuals are demon possessed and need to be delivered.. thus the reason why i stayed in the closet most of my life. I went thru the motions of getting married.. more than once.. having my kids, trying to live "right" all the while never feeling comfortable and knowing there was another way for me.
I never really had many friends that were girls growing up, so i never did the makeup and hair thing.. i didn't know how and my mom was too much into herself to see that she had a daughter who needed her.
In my last marriage, i gained a heck of a lot of weight.. mainly due to my ex not wanting me to be flirted with and also having a sit down job for almost 6 yrs.. but i had pretty clothes.. a few dresses, feminine blouses, etc.. When i finally had the nerve to leave that very abusive marriage, and got a job at Walmart as a cashier and got active.. i kid you not.. i dropped 8 pant sizes in less than 6 months. That was wonderful!! None of my clothes fit anymore! Only problem was, i had no clothes to replace all the too big for me clothes, and definitely did not have the same income i did before.. so i had to settle with what i could find.
I finally came out of the closet in May of 2009. Moved away from Illinois and moved to Oklahoma/Arkansas area. Met some gay people and started going to the first and only gay bar i have ever been to. i was still trying to figure myself out, so i started dressing like a soft butch.. but not really feeling comfortable.
I still had/have this stigma about myself that i am not feminine enough.. i don't look sexy enough, i don't know how to even begin to be sexy..
Ethan will say otherwise.. and i thank Him for that. but.. i have never ever been really accepted by women and never had close women friends who could show me how to do my makeup, or what to or not to wear.. sighs..
I first found the other BF site back in late May 2009, and thought it was awesome being able to be a part of so many awesome people.. when it.. well.. i felt lost.. then i discovered the Planet.. and for quite a while i would just observe.. cause i was worried i would not be accepted for whatever reason... like most things in my life.. and i just hid.
Today, i don't hide so much anymore.. i am starting to branch out more..
I know that i am a Femme.. i am not always in dresses and heels and do not always wear makeup.. but i am Femme..
i just wish i knew what it felt like to be sexy.. Never have i thought that i could be sexy and be heavy at the same time.. and since i do not think i will ever see skinny again.. maybe there is hope for me to be the other? shrugs..

I know i have went way left field and back again a few times in my story.. and for that i apologize.. sometimes i get alittle carried away.
i am still searching inside to find the true and real Debbie.. and.. maybe someday i will find her. But i do know one thing about her.. she is Femme.