[Ginger]

Originally Posted by guihong

That's the maddening thing about dating-if you feel "no chemistry", how much time do you give it to develop?

If I feel no chemistry, I'm honest about that, and make it clear that if that person and I keep seeing each other, it won't be romantically. The few times this has happened, the other person was cool with it but didn't want to hang around as a friend. Most of us have plenty of friends or don't have time for the few that we have—so, we use our limited free time and energy carefully. I understand that. That said, I know that I've been surprised to realize I'd developed romantic feelings for a friend, once we'd spent a lot of time together, even over a period of years. Sorry, I'm contradicting myself but both realities exist.

And why can't we always feel it for someone who's perfect on paper?

IMO, because the paper version is just the little sliver of a person he or she wants us to see. In person you see the person's spontaneous reactions to the world, you see how they move, how they sound—all the things they can't control or heighten or whatever, in their presentation to you.

And when chemistry is off the charts, how do you maintain balance to really make sure of compatibility outside the bedroom?

Again, just in IMO—you do all the things that maintain a healthy relationship, focus on communication, etc.—but you know this too, I think.

What I'm hearing between the lines of your questions is exasperation. Quite understandable exasperation. If only the words on a screen were reliable in telling us who a person is and how it will feel to be in their physical presence and how their responses to us will feel to us.

(My responses in purple)