Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post - How do you communicate when you're angry?

DamonK · 11-27-2012, 04:18 AM

In the last few months, this has been... Err... Well, repeated in my life.

7 years ago.... It would have been..."you're right baby" even if my partner were in the wrong

5 years ago, I was spiraling into drug addiction, and increasingly angry. All the write ups at work showed my lack of healthy communication while angry.

3 years ago, silence. I would have just taken it.

In each of these stages, I recognized parts of my childhood. At least me...you said whatever you had to in order to get the yelling to stop. That's not to say I never blew up. I did.

Now, clench my jaw... I may be mad, but it is more likely I'm trying to see your side, and trying to not react until then. I'm very black and white, so this step is very important to me. It helps me learn gray areas.

Sometimes I raise my voice. I try not to because I know how it upsets me when I'm yelled at. However, I've been told.... Me yelling is not a cause for worry....

When you worry is when I go silent. If I go silent, I'm past angry. By then. I'm usually livid. If I reach that point, my suggestion is you stop yelling at me and let me leave. Don't try to engage me. Don't try to apologize. Don't try to talk it out. If I'm silent, I probably can't talk by then. When I can, I will come back and we can talk it out.

When you worry is when you hear a soft "fine". That's generally a sign that silence is coming and you should either change tatics or disengage entirely.

This one has only ever occurred once or twice... A soft "well fuck you then". I'm fixing to blow up.

If I look down, and refuse to look up... I probably can't. If this occurs, you have probably crossed a line, darted back, crossed back over and the words cut me too deep. Or if I happen to cry. It does not happen often, but it does on occasion. If either of these happen, cease fire. You've caused massive damage. Generally if either of these have happened, something entirely irrational has happened. If either of these happen, an apology doesn't fix it. I will accept it if given in good faith, but it by no way means I've forgiven you.

I'm not perfect. I can't say I've always fought fair. But, I'm finding as I get older, I'm willing to try harder to fight fair.

Most often, especially with how black and white I am, I try to walk away until we can talk it out. Anger, while healthy, isn't always healthy. I have the right to be angry. I have the right to vent. I do not have the right to get hateful. I do not have the right to get cruel.

If you happen to get hateful or cruel, that is on you. Not me.

11-27-2012, 04:18 AM	#93
DamonK Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: May 2010 Location: . Posts: 2,199 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,527 Thanked 7,762 Times in 1,881 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	In the last few months, this has been... Err... Well, repeated in my life. 7 years ago.... It would have been..."you're right baby" even if my partner were in the wrong 5 years ago, I was spiraling into drug addiction, and increasingly angry. All the write ups at work showed my lack of healthy communication while angry. 3 years ago, silence. I would have just taken it. In each of these stages, I recognized parts of my childhood. At least me...you said whatever you had to in order to get the yelling to stop. That's not to say I never blew up. I did. Now, clench my jaw... I may be mad, but it is more likely I'm trying to see your side, and trying to not react until then. I'm very black and white, so this step is very important to me. It helps me learn gray areas. Sometimes I raise my voice. I try not to because I know how it upsets me when I'm yelled at. However, I've been told.... Me yelling is not a cause for worry.... When you worry is when I go silent. If I go silent, I'm past angry. By then. I'm usually livid. If I reach that point, my suggestion is you stop yelling at me and let me leave. Don't try to engage me. Don't try to apologize. Don't try to talk it out. If I'm silent, I probably can't talk by then. When I can, I will come back and we can talk it out. When you worry is when you hear a soft "fine". That's generally a sign that silence is coming and you should either change tatics or disengage entirely. This one has only ever occurred once or twice... A soft "well fuck you then". I'm fixing to blow up. If I look down, and refuse to look up... I probably can't. If this occurs, you have probably crossed a line, darted back, crossed back over and the words cut me too deep. Or if I happen to cry. It does not happen often, but it does on occasion. If either of these happen, cease fire. You've caused massive damage. Generally if either of these have happened, something entirely irrational has happened. If either of these happen, an apology doesn't fix it. I will accept it if given in good faith, but it by no way means I've forgiven you. I'm not perfect. I can't say I've always fought fair. But, I'm finding as I get older, I'm willing to try harder to fight fair. Most often, especially with how black and white I am, I try to walk away until we can talk it out. Anger, while healthy, isn't always healthy. I have the right to be angry. I have the right to vent. I do not have the right to get hateful. I do not have the right to get cruel. If you happen to get hateful or cruel, that is on you. Not me.