[Soft*Silver]

oh Jen, hugs to you for what happened to you that day! I know as secure as I am, if I am sick and/or in a pain cycle, I can also be brought down. I had a horrible cycle of pain recently that lasted almost 2 weeks. By the time it was done, I felt like I had lost all the footage I had gained over the past year. I believed I was always going to be vulnerable (and yes, thats a fact) and might as well not try. I was ready to give up the shop, give up planning a garden and sit and just give up...be a slug. If I didnt move, i wouldnt hurt.

well...truthfully, I would be in pain even if i didnt move. I just wouldnt have a life. I know that when my pain shows up, it can leave spiritual claw marks upon my flesh. Its up to me if I let it get away with that. And sometimes, like with this pain cycle, it takes so much out of me I almost dont get away from it, even after its gone.

Because I was down for almost two weeks and was on steroids to help with the pain, and because there was nothing else I could do, I ate. and I gained weight. This did not bother me, until last night, when I went over to my sister's for a belated holiday party. I am so proud of her for losing so much weight for her health. she had several health issues that demanded she had to lose weight. And she did. So this isnt about jealousy. But when they shot a picture of us and i saw how much she had lost and I had gained, i was really shook.

But I had already made the declaration I was going to start eating healthy again. I shook off the knee jerk reaction to my "fat" and returned to the attention to my health. I am not going to be sucked into the fat empire.

You never know when its going to return, or who/what is going to trigger it. We carry lifetimes of torment because of our weight, so the right trigger can drag that all up again.

But just because its triggered, doesnt mean its part of our Present. It just means it came to visit, to remind us where we were and where we dont want to be anymore.