[Bit]

My dearest love,

How I ache when I see the pain in your eyes, hear it in your voice, know that I cannot make it right. I feel so helpless sometimes, knowing everything you go through. How can I ever give you what you need to ameliorate that pain? How can I ever make our lives worth enough to endure what you endure? You tell me it's worth it and yet the pain lingers, sad behind your eyes, deep in your heart.

My dearest love, I am so sorry about your friends who have died. You're so different from me in some ways; if you didn't mention them once in a while, I would think you had moved on already. You cover your grief so well that even I cannot see it, darling. I think maybe it's coming out as anger right now... maybe you're turning it to politics, to anger over the healthcare system, since so many of those you love received such inadequate care before they died?

I would hold you, keep you close, let you cry if that were what you wanted. I know you don't want that. I don't know what to do instead, except walk the dogs, make supper, fill the coffee pot, keep our lives going.

What I want for you, my love, what I want more than anything for you, is a vibrant happy life filled with the things you love. I want to see you healthy, happy, and bouncing with energy. I want to see you making money in a way that feeds your soul. I want to see you fully alive, living every moment to its fullest, eager to explore everything around you.

I want to see you living that life and I want to live it with you. I know it's been hard since your mom died. I know that we've had a rough way to go. I know that a lot of our difficulties have been due to that intersection between health issues and money issues.

I also know that I wouldn't trade the past three years for anything on earth or in the heavens above. You said once early on that you wished you could have the bond with me that an old flame had; honey, what you have with me so far outshines what anyone else has ever had that they might as well be non-existent. Certainly they're put away in the past where they belong. Nothing matters to me now except today and tomorrow, this life we've built together, our furbabies and That House... you.

It always comes back to you.

You are the song my heart sings even when she's forgotten how. You are the smile in my eyes even when they've forgotten how. You are the hope in my soul even when I've forgotten how. You walk into the room, my dearest love, and I remember who I am again, the song, the smile, the hope.

You are the reason I love life again. You are the reason I keep going, keep walking through all the hard times. Being with you is what makes my life worthwhile, what makes me glad I persisted through all the long lonesome decades until you came along.

I want to be able to share this gift back to you. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I want you to understand that I cherish you beyond all others, that I love you enough not just to die for, but to do the harder thing: to live for.

I never thought I would find anyone like you, my love. I never thought there would be anyone who could fill the dream and meet the promise for more than a couple months. I truly thought I had come to the end of any possible romance in my life, that true partners were only a dream best forgotten, that no one would ever again love me the way I loved them.

You show me every moment how wrong I was. You show me with every breath, every smile, every touch of your hand that the dream lives, that I am loved the way I always wanted to be loved.

I adore you.

Always,
Yours