[VintageFemme]

Sadly, a topic I am all too familiar with. Until I was 46, I had not dealt with death or any real grieving process whatsoever. I thought I had been blessed beyond belief to have lived that long and to never have lost anyone or anything that belonged to my heart. I have been in love twice in my life. Both of those people passed away within nine months of each other in 2006/07. One was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident and the other died from stage four melanoma. I had no idea just how deep those wounds went. I had no idea how to even begin to grieve. I pushed it all as deeply within myself as I possibly could and thought I wouldn't look back on it and I wouldn't remember and I would just move forward. I learned in a very hard way that you simply cannot do that. You have to grieve and you have to let it wash over you. You have to accept the pain and embrace it for what it is if you are to ever move past it. Once I did that [over two years later] then I began to understand what it meant to me to love both of them and moreso, what it meant to me to lose both of them. It took me a few years to deal with it and it was probably the darkest days of my life once I finally opened the bleeding wounds. There was a period of about three months when I actually was mute. I couldn't speak and I wouldn't respond. It was pretty overwhelming but y'know what? I lived through it, I accepted it, and now I can breathe again in a quiet, calm and peaceful place. I can remember both of them with joy and love and not the all consuming sadness and anger that was once all I felt after they were gone. I think this grieving process is different for everyone. I think we all have internal modes of self preservation and survival and what is strong enough for one may indeed not be nearly enough for another. I know some people who never quite heal the wounds and are never the same again after losing a piece of their heart and then there are some who are able to move past it seemingly much quicker. We are all such emotional and fragile beings. I believe though that you absolutely have to take the time to grieve and accept the finality of a death, you have to find where and how you live with it and where it lives within you, and once you are able to find that acceptance & quiet the sadness you can then begin to move into a brighter place, and find that then there is room for joy and love once again.