[sylvie]

i hope this is the right place to post this, if there is a thread anywhere please let me know and i'll move it there.. i tried to look but didn't see anything... i apologize, still fairly new here and trying to find everything, draw me a map plz! *smiles*

My father is an alcoholic.

He started drinking heavily, when he was 16, he is turning 60 on April 5.
i have always known him to be a heavy drinker, i love my father - and have grown to see his behaviours as normal (sounds strange, maybe) but i'll explain.

This is extremely hard for me, so please be patient with me.. i am seeking advice, but also trying to understand for the sake of his health.

Just recently (couple of weeks ago) my stepmother called and let me know my father wasn't feeling well, it was my day off so i decided to walk to his place and check in on him. When i arrived, he was in maybe the worst state i've ever seen him in. i was scared, and stayed there and argued with him for an hour and a half to come to the hospital with me. His symptoms (that i could see) : his eyes were tinged bright yellow, and lined with blood, he was very restless, couldn't sit still at all and he was vomitting acid, which burned a hole in the top pallette of his mouth. He was having chest pains, and paranoia of some sort - he was seeing things, saying weird things that made no sense, he was convinced the people upstairs were dealing drugs and that i came in and was in danger that they'd seen me and the place was surrounded (that sort of thing) - he just wasn't himself.. i knew he had been drinking although my father & stepmother often try to hide it from me. (his last drink was 2 days prior, but drank so much it was still in his system i gather)

i get upset because of his health, his liver is shot, he's had 2 heartattacks, the doctors have warned him so so so many times, he's killing himself.

What i do know is:
1/ he won't quit unless HE wants to, he's an adult & makes his decisions.
2/ i've gotten upset at him before, and voiced my opinion about his health which angers him, he will stop talking to me, and i almost lost him then, so i know it's not worth making things bad between us for fear of losing him.
3/ i dont enable him as much as i used to, he knows i will not supply, lend money nor buy him alcohol - though i dont voice this everyday, it's been an understanding for some time. i do, however, help him cuz im scared of his health, i worry and go get him and bring him to the hospital if he's in bad shape - but i cant go there everyday and babysit him to be sure he's not drinking..(its just not possible, with my work hours and 2 teenagers to take care of)
4/ he has quit smoking, 5 years ago, and i'm proud of him for taking that step.
5/ i've lost my grandfather & my uncle to alcoholism, and they had suffered & were in a lot of pain, and my father mentions often he's scared the same will happen to him. (but then, he'll also say that he may as well die happy with a drink in hand).. sometimes it seems he wants to quit, sometimes, the opposite.

i'm his only child, but sometimes it feels like i've spent my life babysitting him, making sure he's okay, cleaning up his messes, bringing him to the hospital, etc. it can be frustrating and not in the sense that i'm mad but, i just get so worried sick about this and i'm scared, especially this time. from childhood til now, ive seen him do things out of his control because of alcohol, (fights, breaking things, drinking & driving, getting sick, falling into furniture, etc etc) typical things perhaps.. so they're not typical for most families, but it's felt typical to me cuz this is all i've known, with him.

The doctor met with me, at the hospital and sat me down and explained what they did for him this time.. His potassium was so low, they had to give him 3 doses, his heartrate was much too fast, so they had to slow it down, they had to use a machine to clean the acid out of him, and they had to clean the liver (they explained how, but for the life of me i cant remember now) .. the liver is in bad shape, i cant remember the exact percentage now, but it isn't good.

Then he said living with or taking care of a loved one who is an alcoholic is probably a lot harder than i was letting on, and suggested a group called Al Anon, because my father is in need of some tough love, bigtime. He's a heavy drinker and then he'll quit for a short time and then he'll binge drink - my stepmother is an enabler, she'll buy it for him (even if she doesnt like it) because its easier to keep him happy.. When i found my father, i cleaned out 7 whiskey and 2 vodka bottles, and this was downed in a 3-4 day period (there could have been more, he won't say)..

People tell me i shouldn't help him at all. i should let go entirely.. If i went home that day without bringing him for help, i never would have been able to sleep, wondering if he was okay, his heart is bad.. and not sure i could ever live with myself if something awful happened, and i had to live with that choice the rest of my life - is this a bad way of thinking? (to some, it is and i definitely need to understand this, because they feel i enable him to drink by doing this and this is what tears me up so much inside.

Has anyone had any experience with a such a group (Al Anon), has it been helpful, and i'm definitely willing and open to any suggestions, or experiences you have dealt with. this has really been so hard on me, all my life.. my childhood, teen years, young adult, etc and well, now i've done my best to hide this from my children but they're teenagers now and they see for themselves.

i guess, i'm just seeking advice, of any kind, because i'm frustrated, i feel like i'm a standstill, i dont have the ability to "save" him - and cant spend my days trying to, but just sitting by watching him do this to himself is tearing me apart.. i work crazy hours, i try to maintain my house and raise two teenagers and i'm alone in all this, needless to say i run myself down.

And i did watch Intervention, when i could.. my father wants nothing to do with getting help, i've tried.. and continue to suggest it, i'd go with him, i'd encourage him, but to date he wants no part of it and feels he can do it on his own, one day. i see situations on that show and the help they get and how it works sometimes and i get so hopeful, and i'm really growing to resent that show, lately.. i really, really feel i fail him, at doing what's right for him, or getting him help he needs.. (i do know HE needs to want help) - see my confusion?

thanks in advance to anyone who is willing & able to lend an ear, advice or anything at all ♥