[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Dylan

I grew up with a step-father who's an alcoholic. Because of growing up in this type of environment, I've also partnered with alcoholics. It was safe. I already knew how the dynamics worked.

I started going to AA meetings when I was around 10 or 11 (yeah, my mother was so codependent that WE went to AA meetings FOR my step-father while he was out drinking). Then we went to Al-Anon meetings (after they came to our neck o' the woods). Occasionally, I will still attend meetings if something comes up.

You CANNOT "do what's right for him or get him help he needs". You just can't. It's enabling behavior to think you can. I'm not trying to sound harsh. I really hope you don't hear it that way. I'm trying to be honest with you. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to 'save' him. And even if your dad did quit drinking, he'd still continue certain behavior patterns unless he got help for the reasons he started drinking (aka dry-drunk).

I totally get wanting your dad to be more healthy and take care of himself. I totally get that. But the thing with alcoholics is that they can't take care of themselves...that's why they need all of the enablers...to get them alcohol, to listen to them, to force them to go to the hospital, etc. Alcoholics require a lot of attention (that's why you feel you've been doing this for so long, that's why there's the confusion you mention, etc). You can't save him, or change him, or make him quit drinking, or any other somesuch. Just because you're not buying his alcohol, doesn't mean you're not still enabling his alcoholic behavior.

Al-Anon can be very helpful for the reasons Wolfy and Andrea stated. You're not at all alone, and I'm sure we could trade stories of crazy behavior (behavior I thought was completely 'normal' for a really really long time...wellllllll into my thirties...even though I grew up in AA, Al-Anon, ACOA, etc). There's also some groups for ACOA, and some really good books. There's behaviors COA grow up with that they unwittingly perpetuate even if they don't drink.

I apologize that my post is kind of all over the place, and again, I really hope I don't sound too harsh. Your post brought up a lot of memories. Al-Anon will definitely let you know that you're not alone. And really, like Andrea said, try some different meetings if you're not comfortable with the first meeting.


Sorry Your Dad Is Not Doing So Well,
Dylan

Dylan, thank you.. i feel i need downright honesty, & that's what i feel this was, not harsh.. i knew that coming here might get me the honesty i need to hear..i've read around in other threads over time and the support here is really wonderful.. i remember touching on this a very little bit in another forum once and some responses i got, but i kind of tucked them inside of me and put them out of mind.. i think my plea here stems from that, knowing there might be some who could give me advice from their own situations, etc.

i really haven't felt like i needed help, all these years.. it was a surprise to hear the doctor suggest Al Anon to me, mainly because i felt these things became so "the norm" over the years, as i mentioned in my first post.
it's not always easy to hear honesty, but i know it's also not easy 'saying' it as someone needs to hear it.

hearing i'm an enabler, that's difficult.. (agreed with, when you say it the way you did, but difficult) i do know he seeks a lot of attention (he'll say otherwise) and that's where my frustration & upset comes in.. i am exhausted of it all, this i know. When the doctor suggested Al Anon, he said i would find it helpful in giving him the tough love, because he felt i wasnt capable of doing so after dealing with this for so many years, change is hard. Guessing he was probably thinking along your lines, without coming right out and saying it.

i definitely have alot to think on, but i now know Al-Anon is a must, so thank you.. for your honesty, and your advice.. i really, really do appreciate it Dylan.