When with my ex of 13 years, we had a very similar conversation. I found it odd and morbid that her family had a history of purchasing not only plots for burial but also going to pick out their coffins and paying for them in advance. Within my own family we had the burial plots purchased ahead of time, but held money back for the rest of the expenses to be bought upon death. When with her we would many times each year hold a pilgrimage to visit the graves of those who passed before us. That was also a new tradition for me as my family held the beliefs that if you wanted a person to have flowers and visitation then you should do it when they were alive. There were many differences between our two families. But I found some of my views were to change.
So what did I learn? My ex passed away in 2007 and things were much different than she had expected and we had discussed. Her father had her cremated; she was not in attendance at her memorial service; there was no wake; and there was no big to-do so to speak. The minister accidentally called her by her mother’s name, who had preceded her in death by a few years, and instead of music the attendees got led by the minister in singing Amazing Grace. To this day I cannot even listen to that song because it makes me feel horrible about what happened in her final moments of memory.
That was not her plans. She wanted a wake, a funeral, she wanted family and friends to talk with one another about wild times they had with her. She wanted to be remembered for her best. She wanted to be there in body and spirit. She always added one more thing...the funny part...she wanted buried with Reese’s peanut butter cups and a 6 pack of Pepsi because those were her favorite snacks and she didn’t want to be without them if she were allowed to have them where she was going. She was also diabetic so this added to the amusement when she said it. I can now hear her laugh as I recount this story and it makes me smile, because for three or four years after her death I could not hear her voice or laughter.
Her stuff? Her father came in with some of her children and their friends…he got a huge dumpster and placed it out back and began throwing things away and yard saling the rest. Never once was I asked to come down to assist. In his eyes I had no rights there even though it was the life her and I built together. Yes. I moved back home with my parents to return to school and things had changed drastically with us, but it was still our lifetime together that he just threw away with disregard to any emotional ties whatsoever. I was able to bring one of our dogs home with me, but my mother wouldn’t let me keep the other one too. Since it was my exes dog, she was taken to the pound. The happy ending to this aspect is that I have been very blessed to have her back with me now. I honestly believe she ran away from the adopters because she was hunting me and the pound had picked her up again. She is home now where she belongs and where she will stay.
So this brings me to what will happen with me? I also have pondered these questions in my mind over the years since that experience. I have never wanted cremation...just like my ex didn’t either. However, my perspective has changed. I had our older dog (Scamp) cremated when she passed. I will also have our other dog (Ginger) cremated when it is her time. And surprise surprise...I would also like to be cremated and all of us returned to the soil with her. I would like all of us in the same burial spot. I don’t know if it will happen, but I do know that those are my wishes.
As for your questions, I believe they are multi-faceted not only with self-understanding and thoughts, but also because in many instances our relationships are not honored as such. Thanks for posing these questions because I think it would help to see others' responses as well.
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