I have an underlying belief about this, it comes from - I think - being adopted and having abuse issues from the family I was adopted into.
I'm 43 and been in therapy since I was 24. Therapy did a lot for me. It got me to come out as gay and kinky, got me off heroin, got me back into uni. Got me to confront my parents, got me to become far more independent. It allowed me the huevos to travel on my own and move to a new continent on my own.
But it still did not erase my abandonment issues.
Then I got married to someone I loved more than anyone. I trusted and gave myself over. Getting married helped my abandonment stuff so much, I truly believed someone made a commitment to me, to us, and was going to stick around to work on things instead of fucking off.
then she left when a crisis hit the relationship.
I learned that it's not just me that's unloveable. I learned that people, in general, just cannot be trusted with commitment. People do NOT have the same values as I do around commitment and that's just that. They don't. I was willing to work through a betrayal and affair that she had. I was willing to work through her alcohol problems.
This is what a marriage is to me. I do not believe in divorce. That is why I never married.
Then the worst thing happened. She left. It was humiliating, we had only been married 10 months - isn't that just like them lezzo weddings - and shamed and beyond devastating - 4.5 years was the longest anyone has stuck around. And to me it was sudden.
I stopped eating, I shook all the time, I couldn't sleep, I got written off work, I got put on meal replacements and tranqs. I stopped being able to read, unable to watch a 30 minute tv program, cried on my bike, the bathroom, public transport, the grocery store, everywhere and unable to stop.
I did not take it well.
I still can't read more than a couple of pages and I have a bit of residual stress related ADD, and it's 20 months later.
Abandoment stuff is harder than people think. it goes very, very deep. It causes us to become caretakers. And to put up with things other people would not.
However, having this happen, I realised that I'm rampant caretaker, worse than I ever thought, to prove that I'm needed, I'm useful and I can be something to need if not loved.
I said to my friends once when we were in my room
"Oh it's easy to get someone to fall in love with you."
"WHAT? Not it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
"What on earth are you talking about?" They both gapped at me
"well... first you find out where their weak point of functioning is, then you function for them in that regard. Then you find out what their weak point of emotional fear is and you half give it to them, not all, cause you'll scare them. Enough though that they will chase you to get the rest. There you go. it works. They won't stay though. That just gets them to pay attention and think they love you for 6 months to two years and then they bugger off."
One of them then clubbed me with a pillow.
But that is what I was doing. This is how I functioned for people.
Right now I am not cooking for anyone. I am not playing nursey for anyone. I am not doing art projects for anyone. Nor am I helping them get a job or helping them sort out anything. I can be extremely controlling because I'm afraid of abandonment. I "help" and this is a way of controlling people.
My last FWB was kind enough and loved me enough to call me on my shit. She still does, bless her. And I didn't fucking like it at first, and it's not easy to hear. Last thing she told me, only a few days ago is I can be like a very sweet and enjoyable puppy whos feet are too big and winds up clawing.
She means I'm clumsy and I hurt people while trying to help them. And I probably do. She has told me over and over again to just let someone else take the lead and chill out and stop trying to steer the boat. And to stop "letting the other person think they are steering while you do it secretly" (I'm highly manipulative. And she's right, I can be).
So although I date a bit and have sex, I am not doing fuck all for anyone. it's taken me about 18 months to get to a place where... I just want to do things for me. And I don't want anyone to look after. And I don't want to risk that part of my heart to get left, so it's not up for grabs.
That's the thing, you see? If you can't risk the loss, then don't gamble. Keep your coin for now. It's hard. I went through tons of stuff where I couldn't possible imagine not being in a relationship. I HATED being single.
I wrote about how much I hated it, here:
http://femmeinadakini.blogspot.ca/20...g-ive-not.html
that entry admits a whole bunch of stuff I kept secret from everyone and although it was frightening to stick up on the net, admitting it to whomever felt like reading it was a very good thing to do.
The orig OP might be able to identify with some of it.
My abandonment issues will likely never go away. They've been there since 11 days old. But I have learned that if the very very worst happens, it won't kill me. It almost did, but it didn't. And I have learned that by keeping parts of myself back, that no one else is allowed to have in a relationship way (friendship way, yes, they can see it and show me theirs but they can't hold it or keep it).... then it's not as bad to be rejected.
I think part of the problem is that those of us who would do ANYTHING to keep a relationship going, put too much of ourselves up for taking. It makes us feel even more insecure because we think we have to. And if someone rejects those bits? it's like having the most sacred parts of yourself stabbed, mutilated and rejected. And it gets scarred.
the thing is, people who don't have those issues DON'T put absolutely everything up on a platter and they have things just for themselves. They keep some things as non-merging items to sort of have as a connection, but they don't "share" it in owner ship with a partner. It's too much responsibility for other people. And it scares the living shit out of us and makes us too vulnerable, sitting their, worrying about what someone is going to do with those bits we've given up.
So I may not be great wit my abandonment issues, but I am learning to manage them. I've been dating since I was 14. So please accept my 30 years experience and I hope you find something useful in it.
Understanding my co-dependant behaviour was very much key and tied in to it.
Babs xo