[s0litude]

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
I can say "No", "Go fuck yourself", and "I deserve better" now more easily than I could a year ago. I can brush aside the imperfections-- though I remain painfully aware of them-- and see the value in myself. I'm not dead; I'm still here. Good or bad, I'm still here.

2. What's been on your mind most lately?
A certain woman has occupied much of my thought lately. My medical and financial concerns and how that will be resolved to enable me to move to the Northeast to start my life anew when the time comes. Of all the places I've looked at, that area seems best as I love the people there, the attitude, the climate-- not just temperature, the visual asthetics (the architecture there is amazing!), it's friendly to both LGBTQ and Kinksters and has a lot of activity in the community, and a run down I-95 will take me right to my family if they need me-- close enough to visit them but far enough away so they won't feel the constant need to come visit me.

3. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame?
I really don't know. If you don't have your health, none of the rest matters, right? Then again, the same has been and can be said for happiness and love. Ultimately, I'd like to be happy. I would like to love and be loved in return. Money is not a big deal for me as I am frugal and never have much of it anyway. And I don't give two shits for fame.

4. Right now, at this moment, what do you want most?
Her.

5. What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?
Dreaming (with my eyes open)

6. What is the #1 motivator in your life right now?
My dad; I can't let him down.

7. In one sentence, who are you?
"I'm Nicholas." It says everything and nothing, and I'm content with that.

8. What do you want to be known for?
Being a good person, a loving and honourable person.

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what one thing would you miss most?
A mild sense of security; change scares the hell out of me.

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?
I can hope and dream, but I don't know. I would like to be in the Northeastern part of the USA, starting my life over.

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?
Me.

12. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?
Honesty, loyalty, forthrightness

13.What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
Telling someone how I felt about her; I started being bolder, but it's still not necessarily a good thing most of the time. People don't always want to hear the truth.

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?
Motorcycle

15. What stands between you and what you want?
Fear, financial means, the fears of those I have valued over the years,... Yeah, mostly fear

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?
Try to distract myself with things that could generate some amusement-- it beats the old method I had where I'd shut down and sleep a lot or think about offing myself. That's never a solution.

17. When did you first realize that life is short?
When my grandfather died, I was really young. I probably shouldn't have been at the wake-- and if I were a parent, I certainly wouldn't take a child there so young. But my biological mother nearly fainted when gasps and such filled the room and my dad pulled me out of the coffin. I had managed to climb in and was patting his face, couldn't understand why he wouldn't wake up. My dad took me outside and had to explain things to me.

18. What do you need to spend more time doing?
Just getting out and about, walking, doing something, anything really. Being more active.

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?
I feel as though my wheels are turning right now, waiting for medical and financial stuff to be resolved. I don't know where my life will lead me, and it's scary to think about it. Some days, I'm filled with hope. Sometimes, there's a void, and I'm simply in too much pain to give a damn.

20. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with?
Lying-- even if it is done to "protect" someone, it's still wrong. We owe it to one another as members of the human race to be honest in our dealings with others. It's the only honourable way to live one's life, to be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you're a good person.

21.What’s a common misconception people have about you?
That I'm outgoing. I'm actually painfully shy. I have to really PUSH myself to get out and do things with others. The community here helps a great deal with that.

22.What’s something no one can take away from you?
Personal integrity

23. What is something that you would hate to go without for a day?
Great question, and I'd love to give you a profound answer, but I can't. I'd hate to go a day with access to a bathroom facility. [Camping is the only exception, and that can be worked around.]

24. When you look into the past, what do you miss the most?
Other than loved ones who have passed away? My innocence.

25. What memory from this past year makes you smile the most?
Realizing I no longer have to be strong, that I don't HAVE to be "Superman" anymore, sweep in and rescue everyone. I can be simple, quiet "Clark Kent", go about my day-- rip off the suit if needed, step up if I must, but it's not a demand made on my life anymore. I realized it when I decided to become a submissive [BDSM]. I felt it finally at a good friend's feet-- of which, I am so grateful; she allowed me the chance safely to explore that.

26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
Figuring out the whole legal paperwork for my medical concerns and how it will impact my life going forward.

27. If not now, then when?
When what? Be more specific with the question next time.

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?
Recognizing that I deserve better than the manner I've been treated in the past.

29. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself?
I look better without the facial hair.

30. What do you want to remember forever?
Who I am; the calibre of man I am and that I've lived to that standard.

31. What could society do without?
Greed, hypocricy, bullshit-- society is suffocating on it.

32. What is one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?
I know what I feel in my heart is right and real.

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?
Don't walk the same road as everyone else; get a REALLY large knife and carve your own path.

34. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done?
Fall in love, open up, let myself be vulnerable-- it's scary, painful, and uncertain.

35. What’s something you changed your mind about when you grew older?
Caring so much what others think about me. It used to matter so much what everyone thought, and now, it matters most what I think-- though I value the opinions of a few.

36. What didn’t last forever, but was still worth your while?
My previous marriage; sadly, I learned a great deal from it

37. If you could go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself one thing, what would you tell?
You ARE good enough. Don't let others tear you down.

38. If you knew you were dying in 60 seconds, what would your last words be?
I'd call HER, tell her I love her. I'd want her name to be the last thing on my lips, her face etched in my memory. Sadly, I don't even KNOW that it would matter. I'd NEED to tell her for myself.

39. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Think about it-- don't we all? We all dream more than we have the time or power to achieve.

40. What questions do you often ask yourself?
Why am I here? Where am I going in life? What will be said about me when my ashes are scattered and I've bid farewell to this life?