[chris1life]

I am one messed up puppy myself I'm a lot better but am still a work in progress. When I was younger I dated people that i knew were straight or just as messed up as me. I felt if I could fix them or make them love and want me I would finally feel that I was enough. It always ended the same way it took counseling and tons of pain to figure out that it wasn't them it was me. As long as I kept the attitude that it was them and not me I couldn't get better. We all have baggage/demons its what we decide to do about it that matters. I'm not saying we can just decide not to have issues because that doesn't work but speaking for myself once I figured out the what's and whys I have been able to control some of my reactions to situations.
I took a few years and wouldn't get into a serious relationship Because I knew I would revert back to old habits And behaviors. Once I learned to love and care for myself the kinds of women and relationships I attracted was healthier.
I now see my truly screwed up past as a learning experience and though there is a lot I'm not proud of its all part of me. The changing of attitude about yourself is very helpful. Some times I Have to remind myself of these things..
I love myself first and for most.
My past is just that its my past I wont allow it to own me
My current wife IS NOT my family or ex and shouldn't be treated as if she is
I may be messed up emotionally and mentally but that doesn't mean I am a horrible person and what ever issues I still cling to can eventually b worked out
I know that even though I LOVE my wife with all of my heart I am a strong person and I don't have to have her to live my life.
Now the last one seems cold and God only knows if she left it Would break my heart. For me though I had to learn that my lovers do not make me. I don't have to be with someone to be fixed or whole. I am a wonderful person regardless of my issues.
This sounds childish but it has helped me to learn to love myself. Early on I was a wreck but I took time to get to know me. Yea at one time I was to messed up to b in a relationship but after I started enjoying my own company I found I was much more lovable.
Please don't ever think u are worthless, unable to be loved or unable to heal. You can its a lot of work but you are worthy of love. Fight for yourself dig your heals in and hold your head high. Silly as it sounds my counselor had me tell myself every morning and night in the mirror that I loved myself then through out the day I paid attention to what I was doing and if I done something well I'd stop and give myself a mental pat on the back