[Nic]

Trying to distract myself tonight. Feeling on edge. Read pretty much every thread I could click on to get my mind off my day. Not angry. Just restless. Tomorrow's on my mind.

Today I get a text from the woman I'm seriously interested in that says "I planning on telling him, I'm just not ready! I need a few more days to decide what I'm going to say. Leave it will you?!" First thing I think is, "Damn am I about to hear "We need to talk"? Second thing I think is "This text wasn't for me."

She has another friend named Nick that she hangs out with pretty often so I think maybe it's for him. I've met him. Nice guy, funny, smart, good looking, but she never indicated an interest in bio-males and I didn't get the vibe they had more than friendship going on. I haven't dated any one person seriously since my 20's so maybe I'm dense but I'm 99.9% sure that she's not hooking up. Still couldn't help running worst case scenarios in my head. The only thing that stuck was there's someone else and he's pressuring her to break up with me sooner rather than later. Even if it's not that, she's getting advice from someone else regarding something that sounds like it's about us. If she needs a friend as a sounding board that's all good but since the story's out I figure I should be part of the conversation now. I think eventually she's going to notice she sent the text to the wrong person so I quit spinning, do a fast search for my huevos, and shoot a message back saying "Don't think this was meant for me. Do we need to make time to talk about something?" I get nothing in the next 10 minutes and then I'm swamped so I leave it alone. About an hour later she replies with, "I'm very sorry. That was meant for Nick. Yes, we do need to talk."

After some more back and forth all I know is that she honestly doesn't know if I'll think what she has to talk to me about is good or bad, it's just important that she tells me. She's been babysitting since noon for friends so they could go to Boston for their anniversary and won't be home until late tomorrow morning. Neither of us wants to have the conversation via text or phone so I told her we could table the discussion as long as the rest of it happened in 24 hours or less. Instead of dinner out tomorrow as planned, she's coming to my place to BBQ and talk. Didn't ask if she's breaking up with me. I want that face to face if it's coming.

Tried to relax tonight but I can't focus on my book. Still sorting worst case scenarios in my head. Reading threads tonight made me wonder if she's reluctant to get serious because I'm trans. I know she was in love with a transman at some point so I want to say no. Occurred to me about an hour ago that maybe she was still married to someone. She won't discuss in depth details of past relationships. She just says things like her long term relationships were all with good people. I know she's been married before and once she said that her most significant relationship ended because she didn't do what she should have. None of that bothers me. Past is past. I don't talk about Aubrey much but for different reasons. But if she's married, obviously there's a problem.

Something she said a while back that makes me wonder if she's afraid of commitment. Months ago when I told her I wanted us to date more seriously she told me 1) she wasn't ready to be serious with anyone and 2) if she ever wanted to change her mind it wouldn't happen unless she knew without a doubt she wasn't going to be #2 or 3 or 4 on someone's priority list ever again. At the time she knew I was going on occasional dates with other friends but that it wasn't serious with anyone. The night she said this she wasn't majorly upset but it was obviously an emotional issue for her. I asked some questions but she wouldn't go into more detail which translated into "past relationship issue" in my book. Didn't pressure her but I walked away 100% clear that continuing to date other women was a deal breaker if I wanted to move ahead with her. Made sure I was completely single by the next day and made sure she knew it. Told her to her face that I wouldn't be dating another woman as long as I was seeing her. Made her cry but we never talked about it again and I just went on trying to be someone she could trust and look up to. Now she's afraid to talk to me and I don't know why. First time I've worried that I could lose out on something good because of something I don't know. Going in circles. Really need to stop. Just keep re-reading that text and trying to see something less ominous in it.

We've fallen into mutual silence. Maybe we both needed time for reflection. Talked it over with my own sounding board who asked if I was angry. I'm not. Not even a little. She's never avoided hard conversations before. She's been open about everything from opinions about world events and her ignorance about politics to her own faults, mistakes and regrets and things she's done that she's ashamed of so if she's keeping something from me it makes me think she's afraid. Fear does a number on logic every time. I want to make a permanent place in my life for this girl if she'll have me. Haven't faced any big issues together but if we've arrived at the first one I'm ready to show up every day until it's over. Guess I'm worried for myself but more worried about her. No matter what happens, I hate the idea of her going to bed afraid. I'm going to break the silence and make my usual good night call. I want to tell her that all she has to do is make it to tomorrow.