[caffeinelover]

What a coincidence to find this post today.

I was about to post something about not identifying as a lesbian and feeling uncomfortable around lesbians, in general, having a very hard time with enforced labelling and having to constantly out myself in bars/clubs...

I found a video on youtube about someone IDing as pansexual and I was like woohoo! Finally found the label that I'm comfortable with, though I felt more on the Pomosexual side. I love the SapioSexual label as well, so I guess I could use Pansapiosexual...

A bit about my journey:

I don't have the desire to belong I used to have when I came out 10 years ago @36 and stayed lesbian-id-ed for 3 years . It took me a while to realise that I was femme and exclusively attracted to butches.

A magical encounter with a butch in San Francisco shook me to the core and confirmed my femme identity. Funnily, we didn't have sex but kissed and slept in each other's arms. I get teary eyed just remembering that night.

After going through a terrifyingly lonely asexual period when I felt attraction to no one, I went back to dating men, briefly id-ed as bisexual, though it never felt right, then became completely straight, with the odd fleeting attraction to women.

I felt like a traitor to lesbians, and even a gay guy friend told me that if I became straight again he would stop talking to me. I understood the political ramifications of being visible and vocal about being a lesbian. As a feminist, I felt lesbianism was truly feminist in action and felt heterosexuality was feeding the patriarchal fire.

I didn't want to be invisible and pass, when I id-ed as lesbian, though I felt that I was truly invisible in the lesbian community when I made myself visible ,being often shunned and regarded as a pretty toy who would go back to men ( which I eventually did and felt ashamed of).

It all started when my ex bisexual bf showed up at the lesbian bar and I ended up sleeping with him. ( I hadn't seen him in 8 years). I invited him to the bar many times afterwards,as a friend, we briefly tried to rekindle the relationship but it was a huge mistake.

I said nothing to my lesbian friends, but my het friend I confided in told one of them and within a few weeks, they stopped calling me. I had no idea why, until I met one of them a few months afterward and she told me: you are straight now...

I'm sharing this here, because it might help someone who experienced the same thing but could never share it.

Ever since I was a child, I felt other, not knowing what it meant really. I developed a feminist consciousness very early, and became gender identified with female when I reached puberty.

Before that, I was a tomboy with no interest in typically feminine pursuits, way of acting, etc...

My mother enforced feminity on me because she was adamant that I'd be a procreative female with a husband ( I am adopted so the procreative agenda was very high on my mother's list).

I didn't have feelings for girls, outside of feeling butterflies in my stomach playing getting married with a short haired butchy friend when I was about 7 years old.I soon became the typical girly teenager obsessed with boys, make up, etc...It took me a few years to re-appropriate what I call the theatre of femininity...as mine.I love glamour, movie stars from the golden era, etc...

As a child, I hated heteronormative life, the procreative agenda, the white picket fence thing, gender based tasks...I always loved children and spent a few years taking care of children. It was the scripted life with children that I didn't like.

With men, though it was easy to enjoy casual sex with them, I was frustrated with the enforcing of the script within a relationship, the silliness of the dating world bored me to tears.

I experienced frustration and deep disappointment when I had to abandon my ideas of equality and pushing a feminist agenda, as deep down, it appeared that even men who were clearly feminist in their words didn't actively support feminism in their actions because of living in a heteronormative context.

I rarely shared my lesbian experience,.It was something sacred I didn't feel comfortable sharing with a heterosexual man, until I was sure it wasn't going to be used for titillation purposes.

The past 10 years, I have seriously involved myself in conscious living, striving to have a healthy body (finally getting there), developing a loving consciousness.

Part of that devotion to being aware and awake is the realisation that first and foremost, I want to be loving with eyes and heart wide open. I also want to have a sexuality that is free, liberating, healing. I jokingly say; My sexual orientation is towards maximum pleasure.

I don't want to have to hide parts of myself or my past to be accepted and to an extension, to be loved. I often get that look from butches that I'm "dangerous", as one of them said. It would be very easily for me to "act lesbian" and create a lesbian past. I've never been married, don't have kids and have no close family. It would be so easy to create this fake gold card carrying lesbian identity. Ironically, being honest and open is not getting to the open loving that I want.

I also want someone to be home for me, whether friend or lover, and to be home for them. I don't feel at home in the lesbian world, no matter how much I try. I feel like a guest. I can love a woman fully, body and soul, but didn't have the opportunity to do so, mostly because the relationships never deepened with time...possibly from fear of "betrayal" on my part because of the "she'll go back to men" syndrome. At this point of my life, I really want a full love, unrestricted by "what ifs" and labels, and I think pansexual sounds very right.


To get back to the pansexual identification, one thing that I really enjoy about this label is the fact that it can be all about identifying with Love with a capital L.

Thanks for reading thus far.