Quote:
Originally Posted by Medusa
I think Kobi makes a salient point about being careful with definitions.
I'd also like to say that there is a wide gap between a person who is an "abuser" and a person who is displaying abusive behavior.
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That's why I think the I book that I posted is actually incredibly useful. If anyone wishes to read the introduction, it's quite helpful to see things described as behaviour, rather than an identity. And to also understand that much emotionally abusive behaviour, is done from a place of complete anxiety in a person.
I have been emotionally abusive without understanding what I was doing. I have hurt people. When I grasped on to how dysfunctional I was behaving, I felt fucking awful. But also unable to stop because of the dysfunctional dynamic between me and her. I went to therapy immediately. I tried to get her to go. She refused and said therapy was pointless.
And drank more.
Often two people display emotionally abusive behaviour in a relationship, not just one.
I am no angle. I am no victim. I don't feel like one with those that I have been with. When I was younger and very naive, ok. But not after all the stuff I know and experienced. That wasn't all someone else.
I am not talking about anyone else but me, let me be clear.
I have done shitty, SHITTY things because I wanted to please someone and get their praise. I went against my own ethics. And I can't say " Oh she manipulated me into them because I was in such a bad place" yeah, I was in a bad place. Yeah, she was manipulative. But I did them. I'm completely 100% responsible for what I did. I also knew better. I was working from a point of emotional weakness and fear. And my old needs to please and get praise. It's these flaws in myself that if I don't keep in check and monitor and rein in, just as much as someone else's alcoholism, it hurts others. But thing is I get to claim I was used. When knowing full well I was indulging in self destructive behaviour.
This is why i am saying I have been with quite a few people with abusive behaviour, but only three abusers - the people who were abusers were systematic, self-aware (ish. They were very good at subconsciously compartmentalizing their morals so could feel very wounded about being called a liar and feel genuine hurt and dismay while ignoring they were actually lying), and continual with little remorse.
That book shows how to deal with behaviours. And one can take stock of ones own responsibilities and also decide if it's abusive behaviour and thus is it something you want to salvage or not; or this an abuser.
The intro is free to read and very informative.