[TruTexan]

I have to admit that I"m very guilty of lashing out from anger and hurt at the same time and it hasn't been pretty, it's been painful for those to hear me tell them things that I didn't mean.I just wanted them to hurt in return as much as I was hurting and feeling angry with them. I have felt terribly bad afterwards about doing it, but I'm working on it everyday to stop it. I'm getting better at not doing it because I've gone to some therapy will continue to go; and communicating how I feel instead of outbursts when I've had enough, and with more therapy I should be able to control it better and not say things out of anger and hurt. I think there are a lot of people that get so overwhelmed when they are tired of being lied to, tired of drama, tired of abuse, and everything that goes with all of that, that they say things they don't actually mean, and it comes from a place of flat out anger and deep hurt, and the other parties find it abusive when they react they way they have. Sometimes you just lose it but it still doesn't make it right when you say things out of hurt and anger that you don't mean to. I try not to hold things like that against anyone and try to figure out if that is what it is all about so I ask them. I learned that in therapy too. I'm trying hard to learn to deal with my mom because she does that and I've learned to step away from it and tell myself, that's not my mom, that's anger and hurt talking and there's nothing I can do to fix her when she's like that, and just get in my truck and go home to my own quiet little apt where my serenity is. Mom won't go for help so I have to learn to cope with dealing with her when she's like that. I'm my mom's caretaker, so it's something I have to do to still be able to help her when she needs me. It doesn't make it right and I don't put up with it anymore, but instead of losing it on her out of anger and deep hurt myself, I just tell her I have to go home now. It works best that way. And I do get that phone call with mom crying and telling me she's sorry and I know deep down inside she is and it's not fake, it's very real, she's just a torn woman inside that knows nothing but abuse in her life and she won't seek help. I love her and she's the only mom I have so I just try to keep the peace. She's getting better at communicating with me instead of yelling and screaming at me when she's feeling overwhelmed, stressed, angry and hurt, she's begun to talk to me more about how she feels since I've learned to not engage her when she's acting like that. I think my telling her I won't tolerate it anymore has really sunk in and she's taken it to heart because things have changed between us for the better.