[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by Nic

Someone asked me for clarification of my statements (in bold and red above). Mockery doesn't translate well to the screen.

I was being sarcastic about abusers who are skilled at misdirection. Onlookers occasionally discover that they felt sympathy for (later revealed) abusers and excused an abusers displays of temper or behavior because the victim in that case displayed emotions that seemed out of context or behavior that was attributed to emotional instability.

Abusers are good at misdirection. This is especially important if they come to the attention of normal thinking folks might. A victim who has the rug pulled out from under him or her often enough may begin to feel unstable and confused and act so when it's no longer possible to keep a lid on so much stress. The abuser in this case has to convince everyone that up is down and left is right. Their ability to keep a victim in a constant state of stress and the onlooker constantly supplied with "reasonable" explanations can often be integral to their facade. If the abused person is unable to rein in emotional upset and feelings of chaos and happens to behave in a way that gets the attention of an onlooker or is uncomfortable to an onlooker the abuser has to be good at misdirection (i.e.:redirecting blame and judgement from themselves onto the abused). Onlookers often find themselves excusing what seems like controlling or red flag behavior on the part of the suspected abuser by saying "Of course he/she is behaving that way. Look at the emotional behavior he/she has to deal with in their partner/child/friend/etc." It's one of the ways abusers maintain or restore their power. They involve onlookers by drawing them into the lie with "reasonable" explanations and sympathy ploys. Onlooker support is one of the best ways to keep an abuse victim off balance. If a reasonable person is convinced to be sympathetic to the "plight" of an abuser whose partner appears emotionally unstable (because of the difficulty of maintaining the appearance of normalcy and the stress of constant anxiety/fear and shifting rules or standards of behavior) the abuse victim is doubly penalized. Not only do they have the abuser to deal with but now the onlooker(s) have been fooled into being sympathetic toward the abuser rather than being people of safety to whom a victim can turn for help.

Thanks for your clarification, I can totally understand now. OMG! I've lived it but didn't know how to put it into words. Thank you so much you have no idea how much this has helped me to feel validated about myself in ways you will never know or some will never understand but YOU got it right on the nail head. Thank you NIC. Please keep posting here.