[Cin]

(i know this is way too long, if you're pressed for time or just have better things to do with yours than read my ridiculously long post just jump to the last two paragraphs. I think that is all I really meant to say)

Butch femininity. Interesting term. You don’t hear that much. But to me femininity comes with the territory of woman, a territory where I happily reside. And within the territory of woman resides the identity of butch. So to me femininity and butch seem congruent, although you would be hard pressed to see the two terms used together in a sentence to describe the same person. Mostly we just can’t get enough of that butch masculinity combo. That’s where we usually devote our time and energy.

I have, over the years, spent a lot of time struggling against masculinity, in all its permutations, variations, configurations and presentations. Once upon a time I rejected my own masculinity. I have viewed masculinity as synonymous with misogyny. I believed the term good man was an oxymoron. I had men in my life I loved dearly, I even had a son, but I saw them all as anomalies. They were the few exceptions to the rule that men are patently unpleasant.

In the past to me, generally speaking, men, male, masculine meant nothing good for women, female, feminine, because there was no way to live in this society and not be taught to view male as superior to female. Unless you were raised by wolves or lived from birth under a rock, on some level, consciously or unconsciously, to one degree or another, you would believe male trumped female. And unless you did a whole lot of work on yourself, this notion is stuck in your head. So man, male, masculine will believe he is superior. He is not likely to be evolved. He won’t accept that he has male privilege and that this privilege affects women. He may not be exorcised of his misogyny.

My understanding of the male of the species was that men viewed women as lesser versions of human beings who were, or at least should be, subservient to them. Masculinity has more value, more currency, than femininity to men (and most women as well), and unless men are looking for something to fuck, it is another male whose company they seek. At best they were benevolent oppressors at worst violent and dangerous destroyers. All were dream killers.

No surprise that I found my own masculinity appallingly inconvenient.

I understood these feelings were problematic as well as stereotypical and would mostly alienate me from masculine people (not to mention make them want to punch me in the face). I spent a great deal of time working on this. I try very hard NOT to eliminate 50% of the world’s population from my circle of value based on their sex or gender alone. I am pleased to say that I have been marginally successful to date. Thankfully I no longer believe all men/male/masculine people are the devil (some are his minions though.)

However, easily the most difficult issue for me to deal with was my own masculinity. I went through a variety of head tilting and a plethora of mental gymnastic type strategies to try and be comfortable in my own skin. At one point I decided it was not female masculinity I embodied regardless of what it felt like. I was simply doing woman/female my own way. I decided I would not let the patriarchy define what it means to be a woman for me. I would define woman in my own image. And my definition of myself did not include any masculine identifiers. That worked to a point, but there was always the problem of how I looked. You know the old adage if it looks like a duck? Well, I looked a lot like a duck, still do. Anyway, there were a few other similar issues that arose as well. All of them were of the same general duck theme though.

Not only did I look masculine but I felt masculine in a lot of ways. Not all ways but enough ways so that I could tell the difference when I felt feminine. Which was way less than when I felt masculine. But I always felt female.

Most of the clothes I liked happened to be found exclusively in the men’s department. Not only men’s clothing attracted me though, mostly, but not solely. But regardless of what type of clothes I wore, I did not look like most people’s definition of feminine. Also, lots of the stuff that I enjoy doing is typically considered masculine entertainment, although some things that I enjoy fall squarely on the feminine side of the equation.

I suppose the problem is exemplified by this need to define most things in life using the duality mode of quantification. I think it would be better for everyone all the way around if we could universally as one single minded organism just stop doing that. LIKE RIGHT NOW. But I doubt that will happen. You might be surprised to discover just how ingrained this is in us to do, and in how many different ways we define things using an opposite for clarity and understanding. We understand something to be up because we are clear on what is down. We know how cold it is because we have experienced warmth. In addition to the duality thing, we also use gradation usually in terms of a hierarchy with the most masculine firmly entrenched in the top spot.

There are many people who were born female and are quite comfortable in their own masculinity. I wanted to relate but couldn’t. Regardless of all appearances to the contrary, I was not one of the boys. On the other hand I was quite comfortable in my femininity as long as I was allowed to express myself in my own way. Yet as much as I felt female, I would never be considered one of the girls. And there were always plenty of girls to remind me of how far short I fell. I was envious of other butches who were comfortable being fairly synonymous with man. I was never at ease with leaving woman behind. I always identified with being a woman and with other women. I love women. Looking back though, I have to say that overall they haven’t been that fond of me. Most women saw me as masculine and interpreted that as me trying to emulate a man and they hated it. Fortunately femmes find female masculinity hot. However, regardless of whether I was loved or hated, my masculinity would not be denied. I have a better chance of denying my femininity and I suppose upon occasion I have done just that. Femmes may find female masculinity hot but butch femininity, not so much. Although losing either diminishes me

There is a lot in it for a butch to claim their masculinity. Not only does it feel right, but femmes like masculine identified people. Most femmes are attracted to butches as well as a variety of other masculine identified persons. For a lot of femmes it’s female masculinity that is the attraction, or at least it used to be that way. It is changing to include various types of male energy, but there are still a lot of femmes who are attracted to butch energy. And for a lack of a better way to explain that energy, it is generally thought of as female masculinity.

Besides all the reasons that make it is a lost cause for me to deny my masculinity, it is also clear to me that not claiming masculine energy would not make me any less masculine looking to the untrained eye. I often wonder if it is this masculine look and energy that I have that makes it so jarring for others when I do feminine stuff. I have over the years had to remind people that I am indeed a woman, when they express surprise about my feminine attire or my desire to make jewelry, decorate a cake or organize my closet. Then I have to add that even if I wasn’t a woman I could still bake a cake or wear silk blouses.

Butch femininity is a puzzling terminology for me because butch is always a feminine identifier in my mind. But then I no longer shy away from the term feminine. I fought too hard to own it and define it my way. Not just female, but woman and feminine. It’s all mine. My birthright. My sex is female and because of that I am subject to all that means in our society. I wouldn’t have it any other way. My identifying as female was often looked at as suspect, like I was cheating in some way, like I was purposely refusing to display agreed upon conduct or refusing to look a certain way but stubbornly holding onto female as my gender. Because of that degree of difficulty for me to just be female, the identity of woman was always very close to my heart, something I refused to relinquish. There’s a look I sometimes get from guys when they realize I am a woman. They always looked kind of pissed like I was trying to put one over on them. I know if it was possible to strip woman from someone’s identity there are people who would have happily done that to me (either that or beat the masculinity out of me). I guess it just seems greedy to them to keep both.

The thing is it wasn’t purposeful on my part. I never chose to refuse to look like what society has decided a woman should look like. I never refused to do stuff women enjoy just to be stubborn. I had this silly idea I should just be true to myself and that would be okay. I also believed I was female and there was nothing I had to do to be that. I just was that. So being anything other than female just wasn’t an option for me. I am a woman and happy to be so. Consequently upon occasion I will do feminine things. Hell I know some guys that upon occasion do feminine things. Personally I think the problem arises from gendering inanimate objects, thinking processes and emotional responses.

I imagine that there are some people who exclude or distance themselves from butchness because they feel it doesn’t allow for feminine traits as the OP mentions. I certainly have felt I didn’t fit butch comfortably because of the masculine rigidity. Yet there is this undeniable masculinity thing going on with me and it’s hard to ignore. For me butch is kind of a storage space into which I can stuff all my gender variety. I can try it all on and not have to wear any of it permanently. I hate it when it feels like people are trying to shrink the space by not allowing masculine or feminine in it.

And I agree that there is a degree of shaming that is directed toward butches who identify with and are comfortable in their own femininity. I just don’t think it has that much of an impact because if you are butch and still identify with your femininity you are way past being moved by misogynistic bullshit. By necessity you would have developed a degree of self-assuredness that would render you somewhat bulletproof. Of course if it’s from a partner, a woman you are dating, or someone you are interested in, kevlar is not impenetrable.

In answer to the OP’s question about gender pressure from other butches and masculine people, I personally have experienced more pressure to amp up my masculinity from femme partners. Well, not so much to amp up, but I have experienced a degree of anxiety from some partners when I have dressed in women’s clothes. I am prone to do this upon occasion, either for a job or sometimes just because I feel like it. There has never been a time when female clothing has not been a part of my wardrobe, nor has their been a time when male clothing has not been a part of my wardrobe. When I was younger guys’ jeans fit me best because I am not well endowed in the hip/ass department. Women’s jeans used to look like I was wearing riding breeches. I have spread a bit though so I doubt that would be a problem. But anyway the point is gender bending in any form is anxiety provoking for some people to witness. Even if you are simply bending your gender back around full circle.

Anyway it’s probably obvious by the length of this post that I find the topic intriguing. I find any conversation or topic valuable that celebrates the fact that, for many, butch is not simply a synonym for male. Personally for me it has nothing to do with male at all. Masculinity? Yes, of course, certainly, at least to a degree. But that’s been done to death in my opinion. For me, delving into the identity of butch with the quantifiers of female, woman, feminine and/or femininity is always a treat especially because I don’t think it gets looked at with any depth, especially in regard to femininity. Mostly we just skim the surface of butch femininity (if we go there at all). I love exploring the feminine side of butch.

To me femininity isn’t all about looks, I don’t think it is about wearing make up or how you dress or throw a ball or any shit like that. It is about how you think. It’s about how you relate to the world, to yourself, to others. It’s about how you express yourself. I think it is a mindset and one needs to be able to separate truly feminine from what society teaches us to believe feminine means.

You can be female and own a masculine identity, just like you can be male and own a feminine identity. It’s not easy but it’s doable. There is even support and acceptance available from certain communities. But if you are female and claim a masculine identity and want acceptance and the easy road you need to turn your back on femininity. Gender is closely monitored and because of the shit that we have been fed since birth we unconsciously need ways to find congruency in our choices. Male/masculinity is highly valued and well guarded, the borders diligently patrolled so that if you straddle the edges you need to leave your femininity behind. You can gain access even with a vagina but you must denounce it in some way. At the very least you must denounce femininity. You can keep female. Maybe even woman, but you cannot flaunt femininity in the face of masculinity. I mean of course you can do it, but you will marginalize yourself even more than you already are. And we are pretty far out in those margins already. There is little outward reward for a butch to claim femininity. But for those of us who do claim it the personal rewards are well worth the negative experiences. I don’t know if I am being clear enough but this is so long already I probably should stop here.