One important thing I've learned from my last relationship (or rather, the dissolution thereof) is that
you don't have to be friends with an ex.
Really, you don't.
It may seem obvious to some (or, well, most), but this was a hard thing for me to accept and come to terms with. I'd always been pretty successful in being able to be friends (or at least friend-
ly) with all other exes except for one from a long time ago, so I always thought of myself as one of "those people" who is able to fall into an easy, if gradual, friendship post-relationship. It seemed natural (and inevitable) to me.
Then after my most recent relationship and after many failed attempts at sustaining a friendship with them, I accepted the fact that
it doesn't reflect badly on me as a person to not be able to sustain a relationship with someone I cared about after the romantic relationship has ended. It's okay and
it's not a failure. You don't have to be friends with an ex at a personal cost to yourself. It's not a moral test to see just how mature and kind and loving and whatthefuck-ever you can be to them. It's not... and you don't "owe" anyone anything.
I somehow thought it was a sign of being a Very Mature Person doing Very Mature Things to be the "bigger person" and keep a past love(r) in my life, even when it wasn't good for me. Even when it hurt. Even when I didn't particularly
like them much anymore as it ended because of the things which had transpired during (and facilitated the end of) the relationship. I felt it was normal and justified it to myself with grandiose ideas of "karma" and "the better good" and I thought it was the enlightened thing to do (barring abuse) if you still cared about each other.
And then I (slowly) realized that all that was bullshit. Each relationship stands on its own and is not (or does not have to be) part of some grand narrative of your life. And if you poured yourself unsuccessfully into trying to be a good partner to them, you do not then have to continue this and pour yourself into trying to be a good friend to them, especially when it does not come naturally. Sometimes the kinder, gentler, hell, even
friendlier thing is to let go completely.
Forgiveness, if warranted (and sometimes it's
not), is something you do for yourself and does not necessarily have to have an obvious, observable effect in the other person's life who is the object of your forgiveness. A relationship with them is not a sign or signal of how far you've come or that you've truly forgiven them and/or moved on (though I recognize it can be for some situations) and it is not something needed or even necessarily wanted by either or both parties, particularly if everyone's being honest.
Give up the ghost.
So, in time I've learned to be kinder to myself and have kinder expectations for my own abilities and what I'm able to do/handle emotionally. It's about allowing yourself to be human and fallible and have negative emotions and experiences and not giving in to an internal nagging of what things "should" look like vs what they actually are. I think it's a good thing and a necessary thing and a positive thing (for me) to have learned.
And to her, for that... I'm truly grateful.
