[MasterfulButch]

Driving home tonight, I found myself thinking about long distance relationships and likening them to the experience of going to see a movie. When watching a film, your sight and hearing is the only connection you have to the story being told but if the movie’s good enough, those two are enough to have a profound effect on you. That movie can make you laugh, cry, grip the seat in terror or send you away to think about it for days or more. Almost all of us will have experienced this first hand and it just goes to show how much is in the mind. Of course, adding in one or more of the other senses will massively enhance the experience but my point is that they’re not a pre-requisite to having the experience in the first place.

Perhaps I’m just riling against the perception that a LDR is somehow less than; less meaningful or genuine or likely to last. I cannot agree with this myself and so I thought I’d post my perspective as a bit of an antidote for anyone who is considering a LDR and wondering if they’re crazy. The one big qualifier I’d flag here is that the whole thing hinges on the compatibility between you, your communication skills and what you’re each looking for. From here I’m making the assumption that you’re compatible, communicative beings and looking for something beyond the superficial and/or physically-centred.

A LDR forces you to do the one thing that will build the most solid foundation for any relationship: talk. Talking is all you have, for now at least. All this talking gives you the opportunity to really get to know one another. You have to go beyond their taste in music, what they had for breakfast or their plans for the weekend. You may be able to get away with this level of chat in real-time early stage dating but LDRs necessitate a greater intimacy from the start. The whole focus is on really getting to know the other person. Once you start talking, and I mean really talking, you begin to find out about their values, ambitions, belief-systems and ultimately, how they’ve come to be the person who is talking to you today. It’s not a quick process but if you really like the other person it feels like each new discovery is a gift and the time you spend here is not onerous but something you reflect on with true appreciation.

Although you may still be physical strangers, all this talking builds an inevitable intimacy. You know things about one another that even those around you may not be aware of. You’ve been able to build your understanding of the other person through their self-description so you’re uniquely positioned to see through their eyes. You’re both sharing the experience of discovering this blossoming connection and unlike real-time dating, you’re predisposed to talk about it which deepens the bond. To cement all of this, there’s the understanding that either of you could have chosen a simpler path, could have opted to date a local person but instead you’re here, reading your email at three in the morning despite the back-to-back meetings starting in just a few hours. You read it because it’s from her and because nothing makes you happier than seeing her name in your inbox and feeling the subsequent caress of her words.

So this brings me to the crux of it all: You don’t enter into a LDR with just anybody. If you’re looking for fun or companionship or hot sex then you’re bound to be able to find that relatively locally. A LDR is for a connection that goes above and beyond. It’s the person who intrigues you, challenges you, makes you laugh and leaves you pondering. It’s the person who can cut through the external that everyone else around you sees and instead goes straight to the authentic you. She’ll keep you awake at night, as you imagine what it would feel like to have her in your arms, inspiring you with questions borne of true curiosity and challenging you to find inventive ways to communicate your growing feelings whilst touch is not an option. She’s the person who, with just a few words, can make you feel like a lottery winner, or a rock star or an Olympic champion. She’s the person who makes you realise that it doesn’t matter a jot that you aren’t any of the above because she thinks you’re great, just as you are.

Nobody could persuade me that all of this is somehow less than. I know a LDR isn’t for everyone and I totally respect that but if you think it could be right for you then don’t be too quick to discount it. There are so many gifts here; the intimacy, the honesty, the intensity... With each day that passes the foundation is strengthened and although nobody knows what the future holds, these LDR roots could be the basis for a wondrous, long-term connection beyond anything you dared hope for. If this is the case then you should believe, without a doubt, that a life that’s able to bestow that is equally capable of delivering the means for you to convert your LDR into a real-time, shared life.