[Martina]

I am truly terrified as I enter this phase. I am afraid I am not going to be good at caretaking, that I will be impatient or bring her down with my sadness and fear.

I also hate to see her struggle with anything really. This is my mother I am talking about. I can't say the words, but this is a disease where there is not a lot of hope. We do hope. But it's hard. I mean it's hard. It's weird sitting in a neuro unit listening to others and wishing your mom had been shot in the head or had had a stroke. Or had heart disease or anything else almost. She's always been healthy. Always afraid of illness too. And then this. She is not prepared for it.

I just want to find the thing in the universe that I can blame for this and beat it to a bloody pulp. If we were wealthy, we could not buy our way out of this. We are going to a world famous cancer center in a couple of weeks. My mom overheard a nurse talking about it and referred to us as richy riches. We're not. Far from it. We have insurance and the sense to go to a world famous cancer center. I mean, shit, who would not try to go to one?

But no one has a handle on this. No one. A future generation may not face this terrifying prospect, but my mom will.