Quote:
Originally Posted by DapperButch
I think I would tell them as soon as things seemed to be moving in that direction (like you do?), but I no longer see it as a "fairness" issue, in the same way I do a guy who hasn't started the medical process of transition yet. The person can already see I am male. Does this make sense
I think that both pre-T and actively transitioning men have the right to make their own decision about when to tell and what to tell, but the above is how I reason it all out for myself.
I like the way you go about it, Hominid.
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Why thank you - yes, you nailed it with the "fairness" thing - I like that a lot! I am not concerned with being fair to anyone regarding my transition - except myself. However, "the person can already see I'm male" thing doesn't fit with my psyche - not because I'm not, but because I know, NOT as a matter of respect for her or *fairness*, that it DOES matter to many women, whether I like it or not. That said, because I *am* male, and it shows, that hint of a connection includes and assumes my maleness. It's the parts of me (history, body, etc) that are NOT male that are of concern. When younger, or earlier along, interest in me as a male was not always clear. I was involved with women who weren't into the binary path I chose. In fact, a few clearly did not want to be with a man, or more accurately, didn't want to be seen as "straight" and I was too male appearing (and not interested in being a trans spokesperson who has everything thinking about my genitals everywhere I go). I also realized that, frankly (not a confession I'm proud of, but just my own feeling), that it would matter a great deal to me if a woman I was interested in was trans, and I'm not at all sure I couldn't NOT see it. I'm not wasting energy on a friendship that may go somewhere if I can weed her out early on. The instant there is interest, and by that, I mean ANY personal connection and I feel attraction (for after all, if I don't, I'll never have to worry about it) - I do this "I had a sex change" thing. However, having been doing this for over a decade, some of my response is about earlier on. It's true I could "pass" within a few months of starting T and surgery (albeit as a guy 10 years my junior) - I was VERY lucky with body shape and sideburns. But damn, that three months of ambiguity HURT. Going to work every day and working with hundreds of people was so hard. So hard I didn't know then. Fortunately, I was married at the time and not dating.
Even though I am past all that, what I have found is my own comfort is what matters most. And my own comfort is centered around NOT being trans. Other than my shot every week or so, transitioning is no longer part of my life. I will always honor my female past, I will never hide my childhood pictures, and I know that the blessing of having lived as female is a gift I've put to great use, and it is part of an intimate relationship. It's important, it matters, and rather than get involved to ANY degree and get kicked in the shins, I save myself the trouble. Anyone can ask me anything - but it makes it easier for ME to leave the trans issue behind as fast as possible. I see totally the argument for "hey, I'm male - just male, this is part of my story I can share later" - it's even right, should be true. But I think it's not very realistic, at least for me. WAY too much energy put into someone to have to sort out after we know we're going to try to go somewhere. I'd much rather put it out there before I'm even sure anything is going to happen and let her wrestle with it, google it, think about it.
In all but one case so far - after an initial, barely perceptible moment of discomfort and pulling back in reflection, she comes back and has been absolutely fine with it. Sees that I'm still to whom she was attracted, sees that I'm still an available, interesting, honest guy. But the onus is on her, and she has some time, and we haven't invested any time at all in anything but banter and conversation in a non-dating environment. But - I do tend to bond with people on some level as friends before - it's not like I meet someone and we go out without knowing and respecting each other, which probably differs from others.
In the one case that was the exception -I'm not positive it's being trans that was the issue, but I think it took her longer to think about it. We had an attraction, but work very closely together and became good friends. I did my usual routine early on. I think she was very dick-centric, maybe. I think I could spend more time with her and "show" her - but now we're good friends and I'm hesitant to cross that line I know she'd be okay with me crossing in the right circumstance.
When younger, and working at a place where many people knew and I didn't know who knew and who did not - and, *I* felt I looked more "trans" - I worried and fretted and perhaps limited myself to avoid the conversation. I still avoid it, but in a different way.
And, I want to add - brethren, not a SINGLE woman who has been straight as an arrow, naive, unexposed, unaware - not a SINGLE one has failed to remain interested. I say I had a sex change, a few days later I see her again, and I'm still smiling, joking, being obnoxious, competent, not-the-least self-conscious - master of my silly domain - and every single one has remained interested! Thanks be to the goddesses for the internet and the fact that I am attracted to thoughtful women who can process this on their own.
OH MY GOD - that was long- apologies!! I guess, in summation (heh): free yourself of as much of the burden as early as you can, the burden of telling someone you're already engaged with and pain is possible, the burden of carrying the worry around, the burden of being angry because she really does associate maleness with having certain equipment (a truth for many women, whether they'd admit to being wrong if we could only show them!). Life's too short and as we age, bullshit and what we choose as our burdens fall away.
Good god, that was my summation. Ach.