Not with my friends. We take the living piss out of each other because that's the kind of humour we have and enjoy it. We also know none of us mean it even slightly. I am utterly against slut shaming but I often call my friends things like "where did the big slag go?" When lost in thought etc. I don't personally think that is slut shaming because we are all very proud and protective of our sexuality and very confident of its healthiness. We get the joke which is both a compliment and sarcastic (not meaning the words but the tone - nasty words, warm playful tone)
So if there has been any teasing, which I cannot think of off the top of my head, it's likely in the same manner. We call each other princess, slag, biggo slut, slut face, fairy dust, mc cunty, titsy, blow job queen/king, bitch, etc etc etc. I think the only ones that pertain to gender is princess and little lord Fauntleroy. We call each other those things if we think the other is being a bit too anal about something.
It's hard for people who don't have that kind of humour to understand we aren't policing each other in sex, homophobia, or mental health. We all have had very hard, rough lives. We are also deeply supportive of each other, live alternative lives that most people don't "get" and have to either constantly educate or walk away.
But I have been policed about my presentation for real outside my friends and it feels horrible rather than a warm and embrassing playful insult meant to compliment.
The "why can't you" statement from new partners, usually.
Why can't you just not shave your legs before we go out?? You are wearing jeans anyway.
Why can't you just go the way you are?
Why can't you just grab something and throw it on, no one cares?
Why can't you wear something more toned down when we go out. I am really sick of dealing with assholes.
Why can't you ....
- look less feminine and sexual because I'm uncomfortable with it even though I found it really attractive in the beginning but now that I'm actually aware of how much harassment you get on a daily basis I don't feel comfortable and I want you to change how you dress so I no longer have to feel bad about it or feel like I have to protect you. Also, how .ong it takes you to get ready gets on my nerves and I want you to wear "normal" (jeans and a tshirt) clothes so I don't have to wait. Cause my impatience is more important than your gender expression. Cause you aren't genderqueer so it doesn't matter.
Basically. Because my gender expression isn't as important as theirs. Because mine isn't "genderqueer" and therefore I can change mine without feeling horrible (really??) Because femmes don't queer their gender, we are just like straight girls. Gender wise we are basically the same as straight women. That's why using images of any ol kind of femininity off stock photos is representative of femme gender. Cause it's all the same, femininity. But Butch or masculine female gender is queered and thus deserves more attention, room and respect for being individual. So if they feel uncomfortable about my presentation, it's ok to ask me to change because it's bog standard and meaningless and not queered.
>
So yeah, that's gender policing and I go from happy to beyond WTF angry in under two seconds. And because I'm a big meany, I don't accept back paddling. Only discussion and understanding, not avoidance.
I run into difficult with people around my confrontative nature who have anxiety. Their passive back paddling enrages me even more because I feel they aren't owning or even discussing what I'm pointing out, just trying to appease. And nothing makes me more irritated than disingenuous appeasement. Or appeasement just for appeasement's sake. It's just throwing gas on whatever I'm upset about and trying to discuss. I find it overwhelmingly triggering.
So unfortuantely, I can't hang out with people who do that.
So gender policing, for me, usually comes from dates. I have heard "under all that girly you are actually a bigger Butch than I am!" But I *know* those people who have said it don't actually believe in gender stereotyping, even remotely and I can tease back that right stuff I don't remotely believe.
But that's not gender policing. I don't feel icky or boxed in or pushed.