[femmeInterrupted]

So this thread had me thinking my thinky thoughts.

I got caught up somewhere in breaking down personality faults/flaws vs character faults/flaws.

This is a big deal for me, because I’m a character gal, meaning: Matters of character are far more interesting and important to me, than matters of persona, or personality.

Thusly, locating flaws means I’m sorting through not only something that may be unpleasant or difficult to admit about myself, but that I a sort of have a hierarchy of faults.

Flaws (my own or in others) that come from the realm of person or reaction I can usually handle well...sort of like, you say tomatoe, and I say tomato.

Flaws or faults that I sense or deliberate come from matters relegated to character, not so much. Those ones make me turn, and often walk away.

With all that said:

Here’s my (dirty) laundry list

Somewhere along the way, I’ve internalized messages about worth: I’ve not given myself the self care I’ve needed, constantly taken on too much, and have a vastly annoying knee-jerk response to please.

This leads to the self-judgment and anger at myself for ‘allowing’ through my decisions and actions, harm to come my way. Harm in the shape of exhaustion, harm in the shape of inequality in relationships, etc.

Although I grew up in Jewish/Catholic households ( long story!) I’m intolerant of religion, and religious beliefs. I get easily frustrated and my filter slips. I don’t want to hear about anyone’s imaginary friend, and I don’t want to be cajoled or threatened with brimstone and damnation if I can’t see said imaginary friend, also.

I live in my head. A lot. But not always in my body. I know what I know, but don’t always act on that knowledge—the end result of this is essentially self-destructive or self-sabotaging.

I tend towards manic, full tilt boogie, completion ain’t my thing endeavours, and I need a form/source of ‘measurement’ for it to feel ‘real’ or ‘good’. Like: if I go for a walk, I set a goal. 8Kms. 10kms. 15kms ( I’m part goat or camel). Until I HIT that mark, it’s not a walk that ‘counts’…. If I find something exciting or interesting, I’ll devour it, but eventually, like a new trinket that has lost its luster, all new interests end up like misfits on the island of broken toys. Musical instruments, exercise equipment, etc.