[sylvie]

Very hard day yesterday
my emotions were all over the place, my behaviours were in full swing..
i started the day off really great - but then put something in my mouth i shouldn't have (i won't say what for fear of triggering someone).. And it all went downhill from there for me..

i will put this next part in white:
i started to purge about 5 mins after i'd eaten it, tried 3 times actually, and felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, and while i kept on trying, it just wasn't coming up.. At first, i felt guilty because i couldn't purge what i'd eaten.. Fact is, i haven't purged in SO long and as i started to get some sense over what i'd done, then started to ALSO feel guilty for having even resorted to that. i get very agitated, when a food is in me that i don't want there, and felt increasingly agitated when i couldn't get it out of me.. i then probably overdid it exercisewise.. i figured out how many calories i needed to burn, and then tried doubling that, just so i would maybe feel a bit better about having done so.. After pushing myself so hard, and then following up with not one but 2 meetings, i still found myself wanting to set myself up all evening to eat more, overeat portions and ahh the inner self abuse.. Not good.. Been a long while since i've had such a challenging day..

Now today, i feel a bit stronger, but i'm finding it very hard not to get those obsessive thoughts going again.. i'm trying not to super count out my calories, i'm trying not to convince myself if i don't eat meals then it'll make up for calories eaten yesterday, and i'm trying not to be overemotional and super sensitive about food.. Damn food!

i often tend to feel so lonely and scared within, regarding this disease.. Especially on days like yesterday.. There are SO many people in my life, especially at work, that simply do not want to try and understand what i go through.. For instance, we have a Christmas party coming up on the 13th, where they are ordering takeout of a certain kind, along with a dessert (wont mention them in here).. i don't feel strong enough to be in that setting this year, i had contemplated making my own healthy foods to bring along, but smells of takeout food are a definite trigger for me right now and while i might behave at that party, i'm scared i won't once i get home.. It's not fun to miss out, of course.. i don't choose to sit this one out because it'll be fun to do, i choose it right now for my own well-being until i can get some sense of myself.. It's very difficult to manage - my first priority has to be me and my health.. Of course, i get poked at and mean comments about my struggles with food, and it really makes my days challenging as well..

There is so much shame and guilt , each day with this.. i'm forever apologizing and feeling guilty and completely embarrassed with certain situations and around people.. i really need to work the steps of OA, and find myself a sponsor.. These are my goals this month, so i can start 2012 a little stronger, with more tools in my pocket and hopefully, less days like yesterday... And i start counselling on December 13.. 12 more sleeps..

*breathes*