[sylvie]

i have to say, i get so mentally exhausted with all of the work sometimes..
However, there are days like today where i can breathe and know that i keep on, because i know it's paying off..

- Daily meetings..
- i also have a new sponsor, the last one didn't work out because of her lack of time..But this one is promising, i'm waiting for the 12 + 12 workbook to arrive in the mail this week to get started on working the steps..
- i am still working the Intuitive Eating program (once a week) with my Dietician.. We are on Step #3 of that - which is making peace with food and keeping the actual binge foods on my abstinence list.. Scary step for me, but working hard at it..
- my next Counselling appointment is on February 16 (which is also the date of my next Dietician appointment to start Step #4 as well)
- i am a member of some forums & email loops that put out daily questions, all recovery related and they're so helpful in helping me learn about myself, my disease and admitting those hard truths...
- Also everyday, i blog, i meditate, i have a list of things i do actually just to help me through my day and it all helps..

But, lately i feel an ease i've never felt.
- i love cooking again, this is something i've hated for years due to my anxiety over food and of course bingeing junkfoods everyday in place of my meals. So, i love that i am able to enjoy cooking again, i've missed this, greatly!
- i'm doing well with isolating.. i am putting myself out there again, welcoming family & friends back into my life (slowly), and getting out of the house and even looking forward to it sometimes, lol... HUGE step for me, seriously..And branching out and trying new things, even.. It's still extremely challenging for me, but i'm doing it in bits! Proud of myself..
- i still get a little panic going on around foods people eat that i once binged..my behaviours come out a bit, but nothing like it used to be - and that is some serious growth right there.

So, i have a 3 page long abstinence list to work with this week.. Some foods aren't binge foods, in fact most aren't... my binge foods would probably be about half of a page, maybe a little more.. SO i guess i'll start there, but having the other foods on this list was a safety net for me and it's hard to let go of that.. However i am determined to follow through and get myself in a healthier headspace about foods, so that i am not so damn overwhelmed. But it's hard, very hard..

As for numbers.. i am working on NOT obsessing the numbers still.. It was part of step one of my Intuitive Eating course.. And so i've been avoiding the calorie counting, the pedometer, and anything that pertained to logging numbers, because i get a little obsessive with adding and subtracting and figuring out how many calories i can have etc.. i kept that so hidden, until recently and it's something i've depended on doing for years - it's hard to let go of these behaviours.. They feel like something i 'need' and that i'll fight to keep.. it's hard to get it in my head how unhealthy it is.. While i hear what people say and understand, convincing myself is another thing altogether.. It's been a lot of work letting go, have i completely? Oh hell no.. But i'm still working at it, that's what counts.. So, my pedometer is locked up, weight scale is hidden and i only attempt calorie counting on days i feel i can, but i've hung up Spark People for awhile on the days i know i can't do it without throwing the numbers around..

i get a lot of inner anger with myself over these things..
This really feels like the fight of my life - FOR my life even.
& it gets very confusing separating the weight loss journey from the food addiction/ eating disorder journey.. While i know this can't be solely about the weight loss, i know the weight loss is necessary for my health, but i really do try not to obsess the weight loss either.. This is about my health, overall..

Just needed to vent a little..
Or whine, maybe... Why can't there be easy days, and days i can shut off my brain, even for a few minutes?
i really do try not to complain, i'm very grateful for the ability to have all of these programs and people who support me and help me in this journey..If it wasn't for all of these things, i wouldnt be even half the way i am today in recovery - this i know.. It's one step at a time for me, not one day at a time..

Lastly, i am SO blessed for Mr. Mtn in my life.
Truly, to have someone love me so deeply, and be SO supportive as He is of everything i am going through, and all the things i must do daily.
He gives me the push i need when i am sinking, He is always so downright honest even when it's something i don't like hearing, and He loves me, SO furiously, each and every single day & is as passionate about my recovery as i am.. (i love You Daddy♥ xox)