[Kätzchen]

Lying in the warmness of the hospital bed, she slipped dreamily in and out of consciousness: monitors, beeping ever so often, signaled eerily the interruptions her fragile state of mind seemed to experience. She was flying into the air - horrified at the thought of having no control; visualizing the limbs of the trees whizzing past her – then, the crash. Then a blanket of white light enfolded her: memories that were no longer an active part of her conscious mind; back into time, when she was a little girl. Like the time when she first tied her shoes all by her self while attending a stately ceremony with her Indian grandmother and father. Or when she saw her first vision of Hym: while walking on the river bank with her teacher that she had a crush on in grade school. Or, on a class field trip: Or, her first dance ever in junior high school: where some boys wanted to dance with her, but she only had eyes for the young butch with long hair. Or the time she shared a first kiss with another butch on a high school ski trip to Aspen; or boys being rude to her for not returning the same attention to them they thought they deserved; or being shamed by her mother for being a lesbian and not being a "normal girl" for wanting to get married to a "nice young man;” or the horrible fights that ensued every time these arguments happened between them; or going to college when she was young and then bailing to become a hairdresser, in opposition to what her parents wanted for her life. Or her first lesbian affair with another butch in beauty school and that first taste of what making love was all about. Or the wild, late night parties with succulent rums and pineapples and an abundance of smoke filling the air: the air pregnant with hues of blue ganja, filling ones’ head with reveries of forbidden sexual pleasures, in triggered fashion, under the hypnotic influences of desires yet to be explored; floating on clouds; the fantasy of driving a race car and being the first femme ever to win a drag race for the fastest time under a checkered flag; or piano recitals with a German teacher and loving the music as she played duets with the elderly teacher she adored; or enchanting reverie of that one butch she longed to fall for like an Angel and spend eternity with. Drifting in and out of consciousness, memories floated in and out of her mind. Time passed slowly but a nurse on duty came in to check on her because her monitors kept going off.

Nudging her gently several times, the nurse tried to wake her up.
“I am here to check on you. Are you okay,” the nurse inquired? “Your monitor went off and I’ve come to take your blood pressure and check your vitals.” Fulfilling her duties and finding that the monitor seemed to be experiencing a glitch of sorts the nurse rechecked the attached sensory nodes and asked her how she felt.

She opened her eyes dreamily and nodded with a soft voice that she felt okay and asked for a sip of water. The nurse replied that she couldn't have any water but offered her some ice chips instead.

“When your tests come back and your Doctor reviews the results, we will see if your orders can be amended so you can have something to drink and possibly eat. You have a visitor that has been waiting to see you in the waiting room for some time now. Do you know a person by the name of CC von Steuben,” the nurse inquired?

She smiled, knowing the history of CC: All that military pomp and circumstance and how important it was that Hy came from a long lineage of family with military experience. German General Baron von Steuben served in the American Revolutionary war and training a gang of rugged people, turned them into a serious military force – thus winning America's most important victory among people at war in society. Yes, she knew CC well and enjoyed the faithful friendship and wreckless years of flirting with Hir. haha! She loved CC’s attention but mostly loved to egg Hir on. Coming from a family with strong military lineage as well, she knew how to out rank CC on a moments notice! Which, she loved to do to Hir when she felt most courageous! But truth be known, she silently waited for Hir to figure out how to outrank her. That, in itself, was worth all the time in the world to wait for. Uh huh, patience was her best virtue, even though she gave airs that she was impatient as hell. Living for the moment for Hir to figure that out and have CC come forward and assert Hir right to something more in the relationship was worth all the time in the world.

“Yes, I know CC - will you let hym in for a minute or two? Just so Hy can go home and rest,” she asked the nurse? The nurse looked at her with amazement. She must have really banged her head, because out in the hall was a handsome butch, not a man! Realizing the confusion that registered on the nurse’s face, she quickly asserted in her half conscious state, the facts that never seem to be clear to a person who is not of their orientation. “CC is a butch and prefers to go by gender ID that of a masculine order,” she explained to the nurse.

Winking at her with a new wisdom, the nurse replied “I'll go tell Hym to come in. But only for a couple of minutes, okay? Just push the call light when you want them to go and I will be back to help you, okay?” With the soft rustling of her uniform and hosiery, she went to fetch CC and dimmed the lights of her hospital room.

Not far down the hallway she could hear the thudding of CC's stride from Hys Boots and the weight of hys body imprinting the airwaves. The faint smell of Hys leather Jacket and the swishing of Hys body as CC walked softly toward the bed lured her senses. A soft smile crept upon her face as she lay there waiting for the usual greeting they exchanged - the kiss. CC laid Hys gloves down on the nearby table and moved the cords and bedding so Hy could to sit comfortably with her in the bed. Leaning over her, Hy softly took in her appearance: Lying in bed, eyes closed, with that incorrigible and sweet kitten-like smile. The wound on her head had been dressed and her hair askelter from the way her head was bandaged. Hy reached to trace her facial features, the softness of her smile; then she communicated the look that was all too familiar: One that welcomed Hym to go further, yet carefully. Leaning over and stretching out alongside her, CC held her with tenderness and kissed her nose, then her cheek and her eyes while softly playing with her hair. After breathing deeply, CC kissed her fervently and said in hys deepest and most mesmerizing voice “Hello there, Miz Beautiful” – and slowly opening her eyes, she melted into the quiet moment they were sharing. She could hear CC's heart beat and taking in the familiar scent of their closeness. It soothed her to know that they shared such a unique bond with each other. One of the most unique traits of their relationship was the playful arguments they had over just about everything!

“You went off the first curve into thin air,” CC started.

“No, I went off the third curve,” she voiced, filled with exhaustion.

“No, it was the first curve, My dear one,” began CC again. “The other curves don't count because they’re just practice curves.”

“CC, love, it was the third curve and that is all there is to it, hon, You know I’m a good driver. The brakes were not working...”

“I figured that out when Dayle and I found you down the side mountain all covered in snow” CC said, as Hy softly rubbed on her back while Hy cradled her.

“Did you haul Jezebel back to your place to fix her owies,” she asked?

Placing a kiss on her lips ever so lightly CC responded, “Yes, Jezebel is up at my place. I’ll fix her when I get the time. For now, when you get out of here, you can drive the '62 corvette, my Cherry Bomb Special - borrow her I mean. And you better not drive her if it’s snowing or your sweet ass will get spanked by Yours Truly!”

Letting out a sigh of relief, she looked into CC'z eyes and gave Hym a knowing look of gratitude and love for her wonderful Butch Angel.
“Thank you for everything you do for me…”

“Shhhhhh . . . Let me say something to you before that nurse comes back to grill me again. I wanted to talk with you tonight at home before all this happened. Do you know what I want to talk about?” CC expressed willfully.

“I can only imagine: what were we going to talk about tonight? Do tell,” she replied softly and tenderly to CC.

CC looked into her eyes and stroked her hair and then leaned into her with skillful possession with 9 tenths of the law and told her in a soft, deliberate tone: “I want to talk to you about us: The other night, when I stayed with you, I wanted you so much it hurt. I don’t like feeling frustrated; you probably don’t either. I want to ask for permission to see you. I want to more than see you. I want to do so many things with you, to you. For as long as I have known you, it occurred to me the other night that I want more from you. I know this isn't the time to really talk about it, but when you get released from the hospital I want you to call me and I will come get you and take you home and fix supper for us and then we’ll talk about us, okay? How do you feel about this type of conversation I want to have with you?”

Locked into CC’s eyes –struck by the braveness of Hys strong willed intention– she softly exhaled: “I’ve been waiting for you to whisper that in my ear for such a very long time.”

CC drew her closer within Hys moan-filled embrace, longing to expend Hys pent up energy into her. Smelling her softness, and feeling her tender body so fragile as she laid helplessly in Hiz arms, caused such a deep ache in Hym. Nuzzling her neck, CC’s kiss scorched her skin; waking her from the depths of desires hidden deeply. CC caressed the rest of the way to her lips, taking a final deep breath before Hy locked Hys lips with hers and lovingly gave her every ounce of masculine energy that was seeping from the core of Hiz butchness. CC delivered her into such a state that Hiz doing so set off all of her monitors – as evidenced by nurses rushing to her hospital room! They fervently looked into each others souls with knowing eyes and at once, CC got up and rearranged the covers before the nurses rushed in saying, “Call me when you are ready to come home,” as Hy leaned over to kiss her bandaged forehead and move a wisp of curly hair away from her face.

The nurses rushed in to see what caused all the commotion that set off the monitors. “Are you okay? Let's check you out,” one of the nurses said. The other nurse gave CC a look that said Hy needed to go now. As the nurse attempted to escort Hym out of the room, she asked: “Do we call You when she is ready to be released?”

“Yes. Take good care of her and when she is ready, I will come get her” CC said, with an air of authority. CC left at once down the hospital corridor, making Hiz way to the elevator past the nurse’s station. After descending to the parking garage in the hospital elevator, CC called an area florist and arranged to have flowers by the dozen delivered to her room for the next day. Just before the end of the call, the woman on the other end of the line asked if she should send a card with the huge delivery. “Yes. I want you to put something special on it for me,” CC carefully and playfully retorted. “Here is what I want it to say: ‘Passing first and going into the air on the third, demands your presence on the second curve where I make you Mine. Yours faithfully and forever, CC.’ Yeah, that should do it for now.” Thanking the florist in advance for the flower delivery, CC promised to come by the store in the morning to settle up, financially.
In the cold night air of the garage under the hospital and heading for the truck parked in three spaces crookedly, Hy noticed that Dayle had pulled up in Hys truck – the park lights on, the motor idling. Zipping the window down to greet CC, Dayle offered to go out for coffee before they parted ways and to make a plan. CC strode up to the window and gently smiled.
“She's okay, but will be at the hospital a few days before they release her. She's black and blue up one side and down the other, plus she has broken ribs and is still pretty hazy from hitting her head. They're going to keep her until she is stabilized. I called for flowers to be delivered first thing in the morning” and with a wink to Dayle, CC opened the door to he cab of the truck, saying that they could drive down to the 24/hr truck stop to get some coffee and talk.


Revving their motors and turning on all their lights, they growled out of the garage for coffee and early breakfast. CC was thankful for Dayles’ friendship in many ways – especially because Dayle was skilled in solving mysteries.



Dearest Diary,
Today is a beautiful day in paradise. Although spring break got off to a terrible start, I was so happy that I had time to make all the appointments I had forgotten about in my hectic schedule. Each term that goes by seems to be more and more difficult. But I am not afraid of anything. ‘Obstacle’ is not a word in my dictionary. True to form, I keep pressing on. After this, I plan to get my masters. After that who knows. Maybe travel abroad, study abroad, visit places I have never ever been to in my life. For now, it is enough that I have a heart that never tires from life’s adventures.
So now, my sweet diary, I leave you with my ever pressing question of the hour: Now that I possibly know what I am looking for in a butch, what is the next step? At the moment, I’m content with my focus in life: achieving educational goals and my relentless desire to become better – if that’s possible at all. Only you, Dearest Diary, know exactly what I need. Help me to stay the course faithfully: to renew my desire when I feel like I can’t go any further. Doing what is right for me holds the same importance as knowing what I truly want and keeping my eye on the goal, the end result. The forever duty I give to myself in my longest hours of waiting. Please know, Dearest Diary, how important you are to me and that I’ll always care in all the ways that one could possibly care.

Until then, I’m faithfully Yours.