Quote:
Originally Posted by apretty
do you think that your weight and identity are related, do you think that your body size and gender are connected? just wondering--you must go through/or have gone through body-size dysmorphia (as a result of your large weight loss) and some butches i have known also have a degree of body dysmorphia--and i was wondering if, at all do you think that your size (then or now) and gender are interconnected?
|
Oh Yes Absolutely apretty.
I think my size had a lot to do with how I identified ....
I used to wonder , in all honesty whether or not It was more of a conscious and deliberate choice to be a lesbian and not necessarily a physiological one. I have been very open with friends in here and on other threads about my past as a young woman and also about issues of sexual abuse.
from the time I as a little girl I had always devised way to protect myself, from going around picking fights, bullying people, putting on a front. I lifted weights, I got big, way too big "for a girl"( per others) in a muscular way.
I realize now this was a way of protecting myself from abusers. When I was 17 I spent 14 months in prison, which btw was actually a safer environment than I had come from. When I got out , I tried like hell to feminize myself but found out I didnt know how to live that way without feeling vunerable. But going around kicking peoples asses puts you in jail. so...
When I was 20 I married a kind and gentle man, and had 3 kids, we were married less than 4 years and divorced. Within months I was pregnant again, and in a relationship with an alcoholic who was abusive to me. I weighed around 190 or so which really wasnt overweight for me because of the weight lifting.
but.....it didnt help me fight back, this Man could easily kick my ass, humilitate me into not fighting back,make me feel small , helpless and weak, all my abuse was brought up often, like" if you werent such a whore, you wouldnt have had all these problems. I remember getting choked and hit in the face cause someone asked me to dance while he was in the bathroom at a bar. I used to have long hair, and I wore make up, I cut my hair and stopped trying to make myself more attractive to men, I gained over 100 lbs. It was around that time that I started remembering and dealing with my past, childhood sexual abuse.
when I got big enough to kick
his ass and got tired of being called a dyke, I finally left that relationship, and sought to heal myself. I weighed around 300 had 4 kids and was a full time single mom.
It took a long time , but when the real me began to emerge I was bitter and angry with men in general, I looked deeply into feminism and Herstory, and for the first time faced my feelings about men.... and women.
When I was inside, I had secrets no one ever knew about my relationships with other girls. I honestly could not think of them as lesbian actions , I thought I was just really messed up, a sexual pervert, and never spoke a word about my attraction or what I had done with other girls. In fact for years I felt my life was messed up cause of that deep dark secret.......
When I left that relationship finally, I never again had anything to do with men. I began to facilitate groups for childhood sexual abuse and Disociative Identity Disorder. and help survivors through their pain, within a few years I came out, full blown ''butch'' lesbian.
I have never really thought in
my case "Being Butch" is a gender, It is a description more or less about my mannerisms.
I actually gained the rest of my weight ( up to over 450) after a medical mistake long after I had come out gay.
I do think getting bigger was a way of protecting myself, making myself less attractive to men, so yes I feel it had to do with gender in that respect.
Now... I weigh 160. It feels linda like Im in a snow storm in a nylon jacket ( in the literal sense as well as metaphorically)
I am thankful I spent the many years I did on myself healing from the abuse, learning how to stand up for myself and others. I am solid and strong with who I am today, I work out now not to get big, but to become healthy . I still have the mind set of the 400lb womon and it doesnt just go away. I notice the attention of men now where I didnt before and I am trying to not be so mean to them, it doesnt take much for my mouth to overide my ass these days.
I actually might post a thing I wrote a while back on gender and weight ect... It's been A while since I read it but if it pertains I will.
It has been a challenge accepting my body at this size, it is scary sometimes, it is hard to believe people who say i am attractive, girls scare me now a little too, i am careful to not be so suspicious of flirts etc...its still hard for me to believe i am attractive to others physically but....
it feels sooooo great to finally be healthy after so many years of pain and illness.
peace,
Stoney