[Girl_On_Fire]

The term I think some are looking for is "Gaslighting". "Gaslight" is a film that came out in 1944 starring Ingrid Bergman and it features a husband who does little things to his wife over a period of time to try to make her think she is insane. Eventually, after all the stress compounds, she begins to have small public breakdowns throughout the movie, further reinforcing the belief her husband has tried to perpetuate; that his wife is insane. (His entire reasoning for doing this is to get her locked up and inherit her fortune).

Some people just do this for fun. Some because they honestly don't know any better and it's simply a pattern from their childhood. Since that movie, a psychological term came about called 'gaslighting' in which one partner slowly and methodically picks apart at the sanity of another by implanting false information and misdirecting to make the other person questions themselves so much, they doubt their own sanity. This makes one of the partner even more vulnerable and easy to control. When they finally blow up or have a breakdown, the abuser can say, "See, I told you she was nuts." It's the most isolating, horrible, mentally-torturing feeling on earth. I've been through it.

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I also want to address the "abuser versus victim" topic. I've only once considered myself a victim. I don't anymore. I'm somebody who unfortunately gets into a pattern of abusive relationships. I'm no innocent angel either. However, I can say with complete honesty that I have never in my life gone out of my way to harm somebody in a premeditated fashion. Have I reacted out of anger, fear, frustration or confusion in the moment? Yes. Absolutely. Has my inability read and understand social cues hurt people indirectly without my being aware of it? Yes. Absolutely. And once I figured out what I had been doing, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent several months tracking people down to apologize to them. (Which, unfortunately, got me back together with my ex).

I think there is something to be said about intent. (Yes, it's my favorite word.) An abuser, in my opinion, is someone who clearly knows they are physically or psychologically harming another. Once they find out from their partner that they are being hurtful, they purposefully use that information to continue to hurt their partner. That, in my opinion, is the definition of an abuser.

Someone who has a mental/developmental disorder and has a temper that they have difficulty controlling or difficulty understanding social expectations may display abusive behavior but may not, in fact, be an abuser. Someone who comes from an abusive background and knows no other way to behave may exhibit abusive behavior but may not be an abuser if they had therapy and/or education about more appropriate behavior.

I agree that two people just may be a bad fit for each other. They bring out the worse in each other but when they are with other people, their behavior and conduct would be considered within the norm. Every case is different. There are always grey areas.