[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I've been in a few.

But the thing that stands out the most for me is, well, me.

I am so willing to please my partner and my self esteem rests on ensuring that I make them really see how much they want me or need me so they won't leave. This gives controlling people the idea they can become more controlling in order to fix my life and sort me out.

Because most abusers don't really know they are abusive. And their intention is to control and fix and keep things low anxiety for themselves. And try to have others behave in the way they think is proper, right and for the best.

People who push me to act like a lady (their version) by slowly devaluing my own form of morals. This can't happen without my agreement though. I have to devalue my own opinion in favour of theirs.

They don't like my friends. They tell me why my friends are really bad for me and the manipulative things/wrong/unhealthy things my friends do. I slowly choose to stop seeing my friends. I get praise the more I do this.

They believe do it out of love, support and because they know best and just want to care for me and ensure I do the right things.

They start to suggest how I should interact with my mom and dad.

They tell me the best times I should study even though they have never been to uni.

I start to lose it during arguments because they are not making sense and confusing me. I feel when I'm arguing with them, there is no right answer and I feel trapped. I can't move in the discussion. So I shut up. I say nothing.

Slowly I start to get anxious about doing things just so. She used to be so appreciative and I really want praise from her again. If it do this perfectly, then she'll notice...

I start to crave the absent praise I start going way over my own boundaries and doing things like screwing over other relationships or work.

She starts accusing me of strange things that don't make sense. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. And I try to clear it up but it happens again. That weird stuck.... Can't say anything right without insulting her or being accused of something else. I'm just not explaining myself properly...

This shit happens. It's happened to me a few times. But it was also very much about me and my lack of trust in myself, my lack of self esteem, my need to have praise, to be with someone I really admire and want praise from, rather than real intimacy.

I slipped and did it again when I wasn't well after my ex wife left. I can have empathy for myself when I did that. I just wanted to feel valuable again after being left and I fell into very old habits. I wanted to be needed and praised.

I've now not seen anyone seriously for almost a year. I haven't dated in six months. I am taking time to really notice what I want to change about my fears. I'm actually totally fine on my own and I can get praise from school and friends and feeling good about what I do - praise from me to me.

I have stopped trying to impress someone. Or anyone. It's hard. But in doing so I have turned down two people that would have fallen into old patters of me care taking and pleasing. I have a sense of peace, just for me.

And if I do ever get involved again, I want someone a bit more sorted out, someone emotionally stable and someone who likes me to be independant, but knows I can be much different in bed

A friend again. I won't date people again. I'll be friends though. And the trust and sexual compatibility test drives will cme from that.

This post really touched me, the way you broke down the systematic behavior and subsequent doubt. I'm somebody who is always questioning whether or not I'm misunderstanding something.

I often miss "the obvious" (whatever that is) and don't see that someone is trying to mess with my head, be subtle or be passive aggressive at all. It simply doesn't register with me. I take everything said to me and in front of me literally. When you're a literal person, I know this is going to sound weird, I'm sure it's frustrating for the abuser.

I mean, think about it from their point of view. You're trying to really "get someone's goat" by being subtle and it's going over their and they're still staring at you with stars in their eyes. (I can't even imagine how disgusted my ex partner was by this). She had no choice but to up the ante. That's sick I know but I really believe that was a source of frustration for her.

I firmly believe when someone has limited social understanding or is simply very literal and trusting, they can be at risk for not only being targeted by abusers and may be in danger of honestly believing that they are the problem no matter how ridiculous the accusation. I know I definitely fell for this over and over again.

My ex was distinctly aware of my social confusion and lack of experience and took full advantage. Eventually, my only means of escape was to completely deny I had any needs and never ask for anything for fear of "rocking the boat". No matter what I did or how hard I tried, nothing was ever right. The sad thing is, I didn't figure out it wasn't me until it was very close to the end.

It's amazing how that can happen. It's almost like a type of brainwashing.