i've been learning some really hard lessons lately, especially the last few days. i don't have my thoughts fully formed on these issues, but i also know if i wait til my thoughts are fully formed i'll probably never post anything about them, so i thought i'd share some fragments.
it's been a perfect storm - too much travel and work, but also a restorative and healing conference experience (actually, two in a row - the second one starts on friday). getting to see people who are my colleagues and also with whom i have a deep spiritual/emotional connection. feeling an organization i am contracted to going through a deep, painful, messy, hard as fuck transformation period and not being able to remain on the outside and unchanged by it.
my role is a bit weird - i work with them and get paid by them but i am not staff and technically i can't be a full (non-working) member, either, because of geographic reasons. and yet i'm deeply involved in work that will hopefully change the future of the organization. and at the same time there is all this internal difficulty and trauma and transformation and growth, which part of me wanted to cut and run from because i'm not really an "insider," i don't need to own all of this (and a lot of it is hardship), and i wasn't even certain i'd want to continue working for them when my contract is up in september. but after the last few days of sustained work and togetherness, i feel myself committed to the future of the organization and to continuing the work i am doing, even being somewhat on the outside. so i am being changed by it too. (even the scared part of me that wants to detach.)
it's impossible to be unchanged. it's impossible also to not feel the energy of having mirrors held up - to my flaws, to other people's flaws, to how, despite the fact that everyone thinks their opinion is different and they are in the right, we often have the same flaws. i'm becoming less invested in NOT seeing my reflection - i think we all have an investment in NOT seeing our reflection - but damn is it a slow, painful surrender of the illusion of control.
i know this weekend's retreat is going to be emotionally intense, too, so i'm preparing for that, too. and also will be speaking there. will be reconnecting with more folks (queer spiritual community). work on top of joy
was having a conversation on the ride back to my partner's house from the first conference and it brought up some stuff around stress. my friend/colleague said she is working on doing god's will and not her own, then she asked me a bit later about having heard that i'm experiencing high stress right now. spring is always super hard for me - things tend to fall apart work-wise and personally, trauma and grief comes up, a lot of people in my life have died around this time, etc. so there is that cellular memory of, hey, it is spring, time for life to fall apart, and that is stressful. i'm overcommitted - nowhere NEAR the point i was in the past few years, but i have still not simplified my commitments to the point i'd like to be. it's not necessarily bad stress - sometimes i tend to shut down under stress in a bad way, but the stress itself is just the stress of having too many wonderful things to do and that breeds the problem of not having time to tune in with myself, take care of myself, and center myself. so - i am facing up to the fact that i have to continue this process of taking on less commitments, because when i am running around like this, i can't even tune in well enough to sense that i'm doing god's will. a'ishah's will just takes over
and i think in general doing god's will requires, well, less do-ing.
so, yes. hopefully this time next year the process will be further along and i'll be taking on less. or whatever. for me, having space and silence in my life is necessary for contemplation, and a contemplative mindset is what i want to be able to ground the work that i do. but also the work that i do, which fills me and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning, sometimes creates a cacophony that means not enough space and silence. it's a paradox.