Yes. I feel like I am irrepairably broken. It hurts so much to feel that way. My heart was devastated when I was younger and somehow I've just never fully recovered. Then I got into a couple of abusive rships and that messed me up even more. I feel like there is a part of me that I'm closed off from, like it's on the other side of a wall or a veil... I can see it but I can't touch it. I would just love to be in love again, to feel that intensity of feeling, that giddiness and happiness... it makes me so sad to feel like I am shut off from that. I don't want to be! It is part of what makes me a romantic cos I dream about the Butch who will break my defences down and help me have the courage to go there again. I want that... I am also afraid. A few times in the past I have sort of looked at dating sites and stuff but quickly backed off out of fear...I've been at this about a week this is the longest stretch of time I've stuck with it lol... and I'm nervous... afraid of rejection too...
and anyway Butches don't seem interested in me... maybe I am too broken or too ugly or too smart or I don't even know... I feel like I'll never be good enough even or pretty enough or desirable enough... maybe I am too broken. I don't know. I haven't quite given up yet but I have a lot of negative self-hate talk that runs through my head a lot... sexy huh :P don't mind the pity party over here.
|