[imperfect_cupcake]

yeah, I did respond to those questions but I think you just brought up a different and really good point - expectations and lasting relationships.

I think I have changed my "game" altogether. I am not presently in the game because I have other shit to finish with, not because I don't wanna have a toe in.

When I get finished with that stuff, yeah, I'll be open to accepting offers. But my expectations and my entire game has changed. I no longer expect an escalator relationship. That means, I no longer expect me and A will meet, talk, date, start seeing each other, fall in love, make a promise to each other, move in, raise a dog and go on vacations together.

Or hower people have gradual progressive expectations of intimate relationships. I sincerely don't expect mine will last my lifetime. I don't believe that is the statistical average. I think it's extremely rare. So, I don't think it's healthy for me to expect that. I think it sets me up to expect promises that can't be properly kept although sincerely made, and for others to fail on their delivery. It sets up a feeling of failure in my relationships. I think it's unfair and hurtful, those expectations, for me and the other person. So, that's not the game I play anymore, nor is it a bar I am trying to jump over.

That does not mean I don't expect someone's respect, care, loyalty, honesty, and to work at building trust, companionship, and true friendship. I totally expect that. But no, I don't expect the romance and sex to last my lifetime. If it does, that would be awesome.

That also means my A-game - as you put it - with myself has changed completely. What my *self* expectations are are quite different. because I do not expect someone to be there for the rest of my life.

That means I have to be there for me. And it makes accepting other people's ability to only stay three years, five years, or seven years, or nine years a lot easier. Because I have *my* housing sorted out, *my* career sorted, *my* RRSP plans, *my* insurance premiums being paid, *my* friends I love, *my* local community, *my* education plans. So whether someone loves me romantically or not, that is all still there. Nothing falls apart if we decide it's changing to a friendship, or they move to Denmark, or they decide they want to suddenly get monogamously married to my co-worker (seriously, at this point in my life, that wouldn't even surprise me).

So, I have changed my own bar for me. My expectations on what I do, for me.

My first and most important lasting relationship will always be with me. I have to start acting like that's true by taking care of *me* first, by making sure *my* needs are met before I even think of trying to enter into dating again. I don't want to be dating because I'm trying to find security, or affirmation, or stave off loneliness.

So I suppose that's setting my own bar, for me, quite high. and in doing that, I hope to keep certain expectations of certain things from others, low. I still expect honesty, care, companionship. I just don't expect a specific length of time... because how long is a piece of string?

I know that's also not a popular take. I know things that are ok with me are usually deal breakers with others - shag who you want, I don't expect forever, we won't be living together, and I sure as fuck ain't doing your laundry.

But if I like you, it will be utterly sincere, there won't be games, I'm blunt as hell so you'll never have to guess, I'm generous, I'll make you laugh, I'm loyal, and I'll never pressure you. Your decisions will always be yours. I will always respect your privacy. And if you need to talk to me, I will put the friendship between us first, before the romance, always. That's the kind of girl I know I am because those are things I don't have difficulty with and are core to my values.

So I guess, yes. getting to really, really know myself, on my own, has been sorely needed to understand what I need to do for me, so I can bring things that are important to me (deep friendship, independence, self-responsibility, loyalty), rather than what I think most of the population wants (monogamy, promises of long term, interdependence, romance, fidelity, linked security).

Thanks for helping me articulate that.