Nearly two years ago, I penned the opening post concerning the social construction of what seems to be a generational type message, most all of us have heard at one time or another in life: The notion of "Setting the bar high." After re-reading posts from two years ago, it dawned on me that I never really answered the two questions I posed. Yet, I did interact conversationally with members who've posted in this thread.
So, once again, here are the two original questions I asked members to think about, concerning the subject of discussion:
1) What purpose is served?
And...
2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship?
First Question: I do not think 'setting the bar high' is something I consciously do when it comes to any sort of romantic endeavor. I mentioned in one prior post that when I dated someone I became close with as a friend, I never once gave this type of social constructed idea any place in my mind because I basically don't believe in 'setting the bar high'. I have always taken care to present myself as who I am and that is important to me because I live with myself every day and because I have a conscience, I try to live my life by sets of ideas that are basically core competencies I think are incredibly valuable -- to myself and to others in my life. Core competencies of being kind, thoughtful, respectful and observant and maintaining my own boundaries, even if I have to re-map boundaries to help me feel better or to prioritize for my own safety.
I actually think that the social notion shares ties with another social conception concerning hierarchal achievement we often see in the workplace or that is taught via religious notions, if that makes sense at all. For example, another member suggested that reward systems might be part of the idea of 'setting the bar high', but even if so, then doesn't that itself illustrate the idea that 'setting the bar high' is of hierarchal design?
I'm not fond of hierarchal systems because while organizing and prioritizing for better conditions or results (or what ever one might suggest) seems like a good thing to do, I often wonder if too much of any one thing might keep us from seeing how placing too much emphasis on 'setting the high bar' might keep us from noticing what we need to see and acknowledge, so we can be sure we are seeing ourselves and others in the least biased process possible (this is very important to me).
I say that because of experiences I have had over the years, when it comes to getting to know someone better. I said it before, right here in my own thread, that when I last dated someone very special, neither of us even thought about or even measured ourselves against the social construct of 'setting the bar high.' We weren't even friends, in the beginning. But we were a friend to each other, which led to us creating a lasting friendship, even when we both saw that neither of us could go on in what became a dating relationship, after spending about a year, getting to know each other. Ever once in a while, we see each other at a distance, socially, because we both have mutual friends between the two of us and so while we don't see each other romantically at all, we do value the deep friendship we have still today, even if it never worked out for us at all. He's a pretty cool guy and he thinks the world of me, but it just wasn't in the cards for us, back in that point of time, four or five years ago (2014-2015, gosh time flies).
Second Question: I don't think 'setting the bar high' has any inkling to do with a successful, fulfilling relationship. I really don't. The reason I feel this way, and think this way about it, is because I am responsible for my own life and my own happiness. I like to make responsible choices that will make my life better. And for the past few years, I've not wanted to date or even be in a romantic relationship. And I chalk that up to being mature, placing my own care of self first; and having just turned 60, I don't feel the need anymore to up-end my life with the ever changing dynamics of sharing ones life with another person. I'm quite happy on my own. And it had nothing at all to do with … 'setting the bar high.'
If you made it this far with reading my post, then thanks! I hope what I have shared from my own perspective might help others better understand who I am, as an active member of this online community, in some small way.
