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Originally Posted by honeybarbara
Ok great. I agree. lots of things are different or the same but for different reasons.
But here are questions for people to answer:
1) without talking about yourself personally, why do you think it is that in butch-femme culture in north america (cause I have no idea about elsewhere) there is a decidedly un-even ratio of feminine giving up their name and butches giving theirs in terms of marriage - why do you think that this ratio is so marked?
2) without talking about yourself personally, what do you think could be various contributing ideas to this trend?
I know we are all super special and out moms love us and we all have the bestust of all intenstions and no one is a bad person. K? Soooo I'm asking people to hypothsise about community and culture and background and history. big picture. not individuals.
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This is going to be a bit difficult, as I believe in all subjects, we intrinsically speak from our own experiences.
From a historical perspective - The Butch/Femme dynamic has always been masculine driven even though historically it is the Femme's who ahs worked (since butches could not show themselves as femme's could) and ran the household. From what I can see living in North America and being part of the B/F community for 30 years. It is part of the package and part of our history and really part of what many of us crave.
While we are not heterosexual, we have for hundreds of years lived in hetero-normative relationships. We have gone from experiencing our butches cross dressing and living as men, while we as femme's lived the June Cleaver role (I am speaking historically.) to very fluid equal relationships, where both the Butch and the Femme mow the lawn and cook. For many femme's this is still a way of life, as it is for butches (masculine dominated). I do not think today, so many femme's are giving up their names. There are still old school b/f relationships happening where they follow the structure of a dominantly masculine household. I think much of it is generational as well. We have a new generation of b/f relationships that are not doing this, as we have the older generations not doing so. As some have said here, we as queers, get to make the choice, which so many heterosexual women cannot.
EDITED: I would like to add to this. Gay Marriage is NEW here. For many of us, we have waited decades to be able to have the same legal rights as those of our straight counterparts. It is more than just a state by state law, it is now recognized on a federal level. I believe for so many couples, this has created a "this is my legal right to take her/his name, and i am going to do it." She is going to do it, just like her sister did and her mother and her friends and her aunts. She get's to do this legally. In so many ways, it is like a right of passage. I get that completely.
From a personal perspective. I am going to be Dreamer's wife and while I might flinch at the term for myself. I know when Dreamer says it, he is saying it with the utmost love and happiness. For us to be married and for me to be his wife, is a dream come true. I will not take this away, even though the term is not my favorite. Dreamer will not be my wife.... Dreamer will be my spouse.
Julie