I don't recall ever having rules or a laundry list of expectations for much of anything but certainly not for how I plan to date. I'm not concerned if we are going in the same direction since I'm not heading in any particular direction. I'm mostly meandering about enjoying the view, smelling the flowers that I surely would not pick and bring on any date ever again without thinking long and hard about the possible implications.
I probably could have benefited more in my personal life by having an agenda, not being so directionally challenged and planning ahead. But mostly I just trust my instincts and take everything separately and individually as it occurs, which actually did not work out badly in the end. The one thing I do find important to discover, when getting to know someone and figuring out where they might fit in my life, is if they possess the ability to be intimate. People who make it into my inner circle must be able to both trust and inspire trust. In my experience, intimacy is the mother of trust. And when I talk about trust it really has little to do with whether or not someone is having sex with more than just me.
Regarding the question if I could be monogamous quickly during the dating portion of a relationship, that depends on how quickly and of course how I feel about the person. As long as we didn't just say hello a week ago and as long as I think there may be something there and the person's quick desire for monogamy isn't because they cannot understand the difference between intensity and intimacy, I can go fast. Conversely, as long as a person's desire to go slow doesn't hide an inability to be intimate or vulnerable, I can go slow. What drives someone's actions is more important to me than the actions themselves. So if I perceive the possibility of a relationship with the person then I can go slow or go fast depending on the comfort zone of the other. Again it is important and I can't stress this enough, that the other be able to tell the difference between intimacy and intensity. If you believe your heart will break if you can't have me promise you forever and we just met last week, then your an intensity junkie. I don't need the drama. People who barely know each other cannot possibly have a love story for the ages. Personally I find love at first sight to be an impossible concept. What could conceivably be one's definition of love that simply seeing someone could allow you to be in love. How is that even possible? How can love happen by looking? Hell, I wonder how people can fall in love in 6 months, never mind at first sight.
I don't have deep feelings invested in initial relationships. I have feelings don't get me wrong, but I save my deep forever feelings for deep forever relationships. That means that while I am interested and moved by how you feel if we are in the early stages of a relationship, I am not concerned that I will be made to feel any way because of your influence. I won't feel put upon or forced or used or made to feel something I'm not interested in feeling. That generally opens me up to be free to explore areas or move in directions I might not ordinarily go just to see what it's like or where it leads. My feelings are mostly my own and until someone is a very big part of my life they have little power to effect them. I doubt I would ever feel trapped, at least not for long, because if I felt trapped i would set myself free. And the last thing I would ever want to do is have someone feel trapped or forced into something because of something I need. The need to never do that to anyone would trump any other need.
What I want from a relationship has nothing to do with time or speed or ownership. I can usually tell pretty quickly if someone is going to be able to give me the things I need at some point. I need for the other person to see me. I'm not afraid to show who I am, but the other has to be willing to look. People are often deeply invested in seeing what they want to see in others. I want someone who can see me. I want to feel accepted for who I am. I need to feel a sense of safety, i need to be able to be vulnerable and intimate and to trust the other will honor that. I need to have the other try to give these things back to me to the best of their ability. I need them to trust me enough to show themselves to me. I promise to honor their trust. Ultimately time and speed have little to do with this, except in that people are capable of achieving these things at different rates and to different degrees. And I can wait for you to get there as long as you're willing to try. But ownership never even enters the equation. I don't want to own you and you can't own me. You will just frustrate yourself if you try. You will be very unhappy in a relationship with me if that is what you need. I will feel for you but I am not going to own your issues. I'm like coated in teflon when it comes to stuff like that. You can try to put that stuff on me but it will just slide off. Mostly people with the need to own others or the need for drama and intensity grow weary of me very quickly.
There is nothing wrong with being intense. I'm a very intense person. I'm also very earnest. There is a difference between being intense and using emotional intensity as camouflage to hide the fact that you haven't a clue how to be intimate with another person.
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