[Soft*Silver]

Julie...thank you for the information about your religion. Whenever I have learned about Jewish faith, I find a distinct pull to it, totally different than I feel toward Christianity. I feel so at home in Judaism. Comfortable. As I read about shedding of skin and renewal and even more so, about forgiveness and how not everything should be forgiven, I felt the pull even more. I do not believe everything needs forgiven. I think we need to learn from everything and can move on from it but no,not everything needs or deserves a clean wash. And yet, is that what forgiveness is? I think thats what I have been taught and yet i dont buy into it. Perhaps thats why I like the concept that not everything deserves or needs forgiveness.

I have done some wrongs in life that do not deserve forgiveness. Nothing horrid like murder....shaking my head....but there are many ways to kill parts of people. I am a recovering alcoholic and I have done things that while I ask for ammends for, do not ever expect forgiveness of. Most of these were perpetrated on my daughter. SHe has been in al anon and while we love each other powerfully, we are so both affected by my disease. She says she forgives me but you know what? I hope she doesnt. I hope she keeps it close to her breast, along with her love for me, and combines them, so she can walk beside me. I think thats the only way she can trust me, is to never forget and never forgive. It doesnt mean she should not love me. It does mean nothing can undo what I did. But we do not live in the past so the past should only be there as a reminder.

When I relapsed Nov of 2007, she was shattered. She was nowhere near me geographically but it was as tho I had done this as surely as if I was standing right next to her. I drew a sword and with each drink, shoved it inside her. Does that need forgiven?

Forgiven is not the word that catches everything we need to do spiritually in the world of ammends. The only forgiveness I seek, is with myself, for the pain I brought forth on all those part of me. I learned from it and take great measures to not relapse again. Certainly for me but oh yes, for those my every move in life affects.

I love my AA but I feel a responsibility beyond myself. They say we should only get sober for ourselves. True on some levels but on many others, not completely true. My sobriety is my true act of repentance, and ammends making, to my daughter.

And no, I am not beating myself up over relapsing. I am actually very very glad I relapsed. It broke what needed to be finally completely broken so I could snap out of denial and heal the right way. But it came at a cost. And it wasnt just I who paid it. For this, I am accountable for. Thats all...

well...this is my personal history with forgiveness