Thread: All of Me
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Old 08-29-2011, 11:37 PM   #7
Massive
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Trans man
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He, Him
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Why???

This is tearing me apart,
The indecision,
The doubts,
It’s like there’s a gaping hole in my chest and I don’t know what can fill it ever again.
I’m torn between seeking the happiness I’ve always craved,
And not knowing if I can take being hurt all over again.
It’s not even barely emotional pain now,
It’s physical,
Like being stabbed repeatedly in the chest.
I don’t think I’m ready for this,
Will I ever be?
Will I ever know the answers?
Will I ever have a love that isn’t so fucking complicated?
Will it ever stop hurting?
I want love,
But is love worth sleepless nights,
Making myself ill with worry and stress,
Never knowing if it will be sweet or nasty to talk?
I just want the pain to be over,
I want my Mum to come wrap her arms around me and tell me everything will be okay,
I want someone to hold me,
Why is that such a terrible thing?
Why does being butch mean I have to be the one who sets the rules,
Who has to take every blow on the chin,
Shrug it off like it can’t hurt,
Doesn’t hurt,
Never hurts,
When it tears me up inside worse than being shot or stabbed?
I love who I love,
But the pain of this is too much,
I can’t make a decision,
But I have to,
Life’s just like that.
A fucking fucked up mess of a fucking fucked up choice,
Whichever way I go means hurting,
Either hurting her,
Or hurting myself.
Which is the right choice?
Is there one?
Do I try?
But then what do I do if it falls around my ears again?
Can I take that,
Can I take hours of crying so hard it leaves my throat and chest feeling raw?
Can I live with myself knowing that it might be the best thing to happen to me?
Can I take these endless doubts??
I don’t know,
I just don’t fucking know,
And it’s tearing me up inside more and more,
The harder I think or try,
The worse it gets...
I want to cry,
And cry,
And cry,
Until all the pain goes away,
But I can’t do it,
It’s too deep,
It won’t go away right now.
I need time to think,
But the longer I leave it,
The worse it could get.
Why does love have to be this way?
Why can’t I just be happy?
Why do I try to be?
Just,
Why?

30/08/11
M
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