[PoeticSilence]

Don't Ask

I thought of your question
somewhere between a plea
and a please.
Very politely done
wrapped up with a question mark
delivered with kisses and hugs.

In the back of my mind
a memory dredged up slowly
of biology class, and a fat male teacher
who looked at girls legs far too much.
He handed us small plastic tubs
with holes punched in the tight lids
and quietly advised us
we would be learning to pith,
his piggish eyes darting around
as girl after girl inhaled loudly
at the contents of their case.

The little tool looks like a
hors d'oeuvres fork, and
is used to sever the spinal cord
behind the frogs head.
This allows his body to keep
working but be blissfully unaware
as he's being sliced open
and bleeding out.

I wanted to write to you
about how someone forgot
maybe even innocently
to pith me.

As sheets of fire burn along
my hips and back, as
layers of skin itch and throb
along my legs, and I frantically
perform each exercise three
times a day to remind my poor lymphatic system
what it is supposed to be doing.
Tapping my thymus to
stimulate my lymphatic system
into responding by feeling the
vibrations. The pain licking
along my legs, my belly, my hips.
My neck and arms throbbing in
sympathy at the gentle touches
because somehow the lightest touches
are enough to make me writhe in agony.

I wake each day gasping for air as
I remove my oxygen concentrator
that I can't afford and shut off my
apnea machine that allows me to
be awake without the figments and exhaustion
of oxygen deprived sleep. My legs are
raised above my heart and my legs
feel heavy and hurting. In my mind I can walk.
I can run. But someone else grabs shakily for the cane.
Someone else slides out of bed to unsure feet,
terrified to rely on unreliable legs, and slowly
shuffles to the bathroom.

Sitting there as the horror of what I am
wakes me fully and I want my meds to
stop the pain right now as it all wakes up
and reminds me of my new life.

Someone forgot to pith me.
Maybe innocently. Maybe not.

I can't write about this to you.
I throw down my pen and sob.

______________________________________