[Jedi]

I always thought I had this awesome handle on grief and death. Having grown up with a terminally ill parent and having her die when I was 11 gave me a unique perspective, I had always thought. That is...until my ex killed my dog. There's a part of me that won't forgive myself for ever trusting her (my ex). As all the woulda, coulda, shouldas toss themselves around in my head...I'm left in a limbo I never expected. For the longest time I got drunk to numb the pain. As that isn't the healthiest way to deal with loss...it did what it needed to until I was ready to look at it like I am now. As my life has moved on and I have had several months to numb over and ponder and remember and recover...I still am not ok with it. Xena was my best friend. I had moved all over the place with her and fought for her life in a city that banned her for looking like a pitbull. I had been through several gfs with her and still can't believe that she didn't survive this last one. For the longest time, it was Xena who kept me going when I would lose my hope. I still can't believe she's gone and so callously. I still cry when I think about it...as I am right now while writing this post. Xena, I miss you friend. I have no way to avenge your death...so please forgive me. I didn't mean for any harm to come to you. I know I promised to protect you and always be there and I just happened to go to work that day and well...I came home and you were gone. Life hasn't been the same without you. I moved into a house where I could have had you. All I can do is think about you being gone and shake my head. It wasn't fair. You died a senseless death and I can't help but feel responsible. Maybe one day I can forgive myself but it isn't today.